What is a oneitis? Well, whether you realize it or not, you’ve likely had one before.
A “oneitis,” as it’s called, is when you have a soul-crushing obsession over a single woman in your life.
This can take the form of a girlfriend. It can take the form of your wife. It can even take the form of a co-worker or a classmate.
Getting over a oneitis will probably be the hardest thing you ever do. That being said, I’m here to guide you through it. So without further ado, here’s the Masculine Development guide to getting over your oneitis.
In short, a oneitis is when you’re absolutely desperate for a particular girl’s approval. You can’t sleep without her, you can’t eat without her, and you can’t breathe without her. No matter how hard you try, you just can’t stop thinking about her.
Psychologists would call this severe co-dependence. It’s when you’re entirely dependent on someone else for your internal validation.
When you’re obsessed over a girl, sometimes it can be hard to see things straight. You end up doing things that you would normally never do, and acting like a completely different man. It’s almost like having a oneitis hijacks your brain, and turns you into a different person.
For different men, a oneitis may take a different form. It may be your wife, your girlfriend, a girl you go to class with, or even a girl you’ve never met before. They all have one thing in common though: you feel as if you NEED her to be happy as a man.
This phenomena takes place for several reasons, which we will direct in this article. The fundamental reason that a man gets a “oneitis” however, is that he places far too much importance onto a single woman, that is out of line with what reality dictates.
In other words, it’s when you put the pussy on a pedestal. It’s when you think a woman is the end-all-be-all to every one of your problems. It’s when you idealize a woman, and fall in love with your idea of her, rather than the actual person herself.
Furthermore, there are several things which can leave a man vulnerable to this state of mind:
If any one of the previous three fundamentals are lacking, you will be susceptible to a oneitis. As we go through this article, we will discuss exactly why you need these things, and how to develop them if you haven’t already done so. For now, it’s important to realize just how critical they are. They are the bulwark against oneitis.
The first objection many men have to this concept of the “oneitis” is that it’s simply love. It isn’t. Love is what comes when you get to know a person, and develop a healthy, interdependent relationship with them. Love is patient, kind, and free.
A oneitis is the opposite. When you have a oneitis, you live in a state of neediness, clinginess, and constant co-dependence. Your moods are completely dictated by your oneitis’ approval or lack thereof, and she can send you from the heights of heaven to the depths of hell with a single comment.
When you have a oneitis, it may be easy to mistake this for love. Do not be a fool and think this. It will take some time and emotional self-awareness to develop a keen eye for making this distinction, but you must learn the difference between love and oneitis.
Oneitis makes you weak, but love makes you strong. Oneitis drains you emotionally, but love improves your state. Oneitis reeks of neediness, love is interdependent. The two are very, very different—however most men often end up conflating the two, much to their suffering.
In order to overcome your oneitis, you must first recognize that there are two general areas which must be improved. The first is the inner, and the second is the outer. These are similar to inner and outer game, but they are not the same thing.
The “inner path” to getting over oneitis rests three things:
The “outer path” to getting over oneitis also rests in three things:
I have personally experienced many oneitis’ in my life, and let me tell you that these lessons were very hard earned. In fact, you’ll probably think that you’re “over her” and that you’ve “cured your oneitis” only to find that a few months later, you’re in the same situation as you were before.
Life is a series of taking chances, making mistakes, and learning from those mistakes. You’ll often find that you have to repeat this pattern many times, before you learn, re-learn, and ultimately “fully learn” a lesson and it’s many, multi-faceted layers. This is one of them.
These two paths are, in many ways, inter-related. As you progress down the inner path, you will find that your outer path improves, and vice versa. Do not neglect one for the other, nor become a “purist” who thinks that only one path is the true way. In my experience, adhering to both paths simultaneously is the best option.
The inner path is perhaps, the most difficult for many men, because it requires us to overcome our myopic nature. As the old saying goes, how can a goldfish ever know what water is, when it’s been dwelling in water its entire life?
Likewise, how can a man ever know the full extent of his neediness, negativity, or dysfunctional beliefs, when he’s had them his entire life? This whole topic could fill a library with books, and it certainly has, but here are the key points to take away.
The first order of business is to develop healthy beliefs which empower you. This may sound ridiculous, but you likely have dozens of beliefs that are holding you back, this very second.
As students of hardcore reality selection, we are encouraged to always adopt the belief which will aid us most in our quest for success. Any belief that does not aid you must be thrown away immediately, and swapped out for a more empowering belief.
The single biggest underlying mindset, which creates massive oneitis, is simply living in a state of scarcity. This means that you believe life really only gives you very little, and if you ever fuck up or make a mistake, you’re done for. That’s it.
The truth is that there are BILLIONS of women on the face of the earth, and however special you might think this oneitis happens to be, there are many other women who are just as good. Of course, this can be a tough pill to swallow, especially as you advance in your dating life.
When you come to be an advanced practitioner of the game, you realize that there actually ARE very few high quality women out there. Even so, you must trudge on, and constantly re-integrate the underlying frame of abundance into your mindset.
We all have past trauma, lurking deep within our subconscious. Like it or not, you are a human being, and every human being is subject to some form of trauma.
Whether it was your parents neglecting you as a child, an uncle who molested you, a teacher who made you feel stupid, or a tragic car accident, we all have some form of it.
This trauma, when undealt with, creates a pent up charge of negative emotions. As you go through this life, you will unwillingly act out the imprint of this trauma, until you become conscious of it and choose to release it.
This is far too deep of a topic to discuss in a single article, but I would recommend you purchase and read the book “Letting Go” by Dr. David Hawkins. The book will guide you through a process which I myself have used to let go of years worth of pent up trauma. It will change your life, trust me.
As cliche as this may sound, many of us cannot truly love ourselves. We either compensate for this internal lack of love by having low self-esteem, or by cultivating an extremely narcissistic personality. True self love is not arrogant—it is humble, yet proud.
We’re told that we should always change ourselves to become better, and in many ways, we should. You should not be satisfied with mediocrity, nor should you be satisfied with failure. At the same time however, you must be okay with giving life your best shot.
Learn how to cultivate true self-confidence. Rather than “stuffing down” the parts of yourself that you hate, learn to embrace them. For the longest time, I hated that I was into nerdy video games like World of Warcraft and League of Legends, but I have since accepted it. And do you know what? I feel great.
Find those parts of yourself that you have disowned, and learn to become okay with them. In fact, if you want, you can make a list right now of 10 things you hate about yourself. Then, as you go through each one, focus on how it makes you feel. Accept the feeling, and move on.
The outer path is, in many ways, what most people focus on—and for good reason. Without a strong outer path, having a strong inner path is completely useless. What good is “unconditional self love” if you’re living in a box, homeless on the street, without any friends or women?
Ideally however, you should have everything. You want what I call “the good life,” which is health, wealth, love, and happiness. Getting over your oneitis goes FAR BEYOND simply getting over your oneitis. In fact, in the process of getting over your oneitis, you will become a better man.
Otherwise known as charisma, developing your game is by far one of the most important things a man can do in life. Without the ability to meet, attract, and seduce women, you will live a very lonely and passionless life, subject to the whims of women around you.
Unfortunately, most men have absolutely no game whatsoever. They don’t know how to meet attractive women, how to talk to attractive women, nor how to seduce attractive women.
So let me ask you, is it any wonder that most men suffer from oneitis? How the hell can you get over a girl, if you don’t even HAVE any other girls to get over her with?
Do not neglect this area of your life. There is a reason why I talk about developing your charisma so much, and it’s why I’ve written so extensively on it. If you want to truly get over your oneitis, you must develop an external abundance of women in your life.
I suggest you read the following articles to get started:
Developing “outer game” or charisma is a lifelong endeavor that will not happen overnight. You will have to practice, practice, and practice. When you emerge however, you will be a much better man for it. You will have successfully conquered your oneitis, and evolved as a human being.
Another reason why men can’t get over their oneitis, is that they have incredibly boring lives. Let me ask you a question… If your life consists of only work, watching TV, and sleeping, how easy is it to get addicted to a woman who offers you some excitement? Very easy.
As a man, you must cultivate a lifestyle that women find attractive. You must cultivate a lifestyle that brings new, exciting experiences into your reality on a day-by-day basis. You can do this by simply finding hobbies that you’re passionate about, and diving head first into each one of them.
Building and living an exciting life is partially a mindset, too. It’s a carefree, positive, and fun-oriented approach to life. What’s the point of living if you’re so bored you can’t stand your life? Fill your day with exciting activities and you won’t have so much free time to think about this so-called “oneitis.”
I aim to stack my life with as many fun, high quality events as possible. Every day, I’m asking: what can I do next that will fill my life with excitement? Is it a trip to Thailand, taking up a new hobby or language, or is it just meeting up with some old friends and having fun?
Of course, you might need money to truly build an exciting life, but so what? Anything you want is within your reach, you just have to reach out and take it. You can have money, looks, status, and fulfillment, all at once, if you merely ask for them.
Modern men have lost touch with many things that made us great in the past. One of which, would be male camaraderie. Unfortunately, because masculinity is branded as toxic nowadays, any attempt at men bonding with other men is looked down upon.
No matter. Do not be blown about by the whims of social pressure—simply do whatever you want. Developing a male camaraderie is one of the most powerful bulwarks against oneitis. Men of the past knew this. They knew that you needed other male friends who could set your head straight when it came to women.
Men of the present day have lost touch with this. So go out, and spend some time developing a male camaraderie. Strengthen and create new bonds with like-minded men across the globe, who will be there for you when you’re struggling to get over a woman.
Fill your life with things that make you happy, whether they be a weekly group meetup with your boys at the bar, or a mere daily routine that adds some spice to your life. Fill your days, your weeks, your months, and your years with activities which boost your mental state and increase your happiness.
In summary, getting over your oneitis is not an easy thing to do. A oneitis is not a root problem, however—it is simply a symptom of a deeper cause. When you align yourself with the principles I discussed, and better yourself as a man, your concerns over a oneitis will become a thing of the past.
Focus on both the inner and outer paths—both are valid. Spend some time rooting through all your emotional baggage, dysfunctional beliefs, and past traumas. Learn to love them, and let them go, for they have served their purpose. Spend some time learning game, making male friends, and improving your life.
Lastly, and perhaps most importantly, be thankful that you had a oneitis. In years to come, you will realize that being so heartbroken over a girl that you felt you couldn’t breathe was actually what pushed you to become a better man. Without the experiences that cause us pain, we wouldn’t grow.
The pain of a oneitis is what often spurs a man on to grow. So be thankful, for your own damn good. If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to leave them down below… and, as always, I hope you guys enjoyed the article, and I’ll see you next time.
Jon Anthony is a world renowned dating coach and the founder of Masculine Development, a website specifically dedicated to helping men improve their personal, dating, and financial lives. After years of training men how to attract women, build muscle, and make more money, Jon created the "7 Strategies" program to help kickstart your journey to success. Jon firmly believes that every man should have control over his own life, and he created Masculine Development to share his passion with men who want success in all areas.