How to Defuse Arguments With Women
Human beings have two “brains,” so to speak: our logical side, and our emotional side. For women, their right brain, or intuitive/emotional side, is typically much stronger than their left brain, or logical/analytical side.
Men, on the other hand, are typically much more logical than they are emotional. This simple difference between men and women is where 99% of disagreements and arguments come from.
During an argument with a woman, men typically think that her problem is “logical,” when it’s really emotional. Men try to come up with reasons why she should think a certain way or why she’s wrong, not realizing that she doesn’t want reasons, because she doesn’t want a logical response.
She’s trying to communicate something to you on an emotional level, and if you don’t realize this, she will walk away angry or crying from an argument every single time.
How Most Guys Try to Defuse Conflict
Most guys interpret not only conflict, but conversation with women as a logical map to follow. To be fair, sometimes it is, but when it comes to arguments the issue is almost always emotional. So, what do most guys do in an argument?
They try to respond logically. Say, for example, that your girlfriend is yelling at you: “You didn’t take out the trash AGAIN? It’s been like 3 days!”
“Oh, she’s telling me that her problem is that I didn’t take out the trash today? How can I fix this logically?”
So he comes up with a bunch of ways to respond to her problem, logically:
- “I didn’t take it out, because you didn’t throw away your clutter yet!”
- “I didn’t take it out, because I’m tired from work.”
- “I don’t feel like taking it out today, I’ll do it some other time.”
Unfortunately, all of these comments will only escalate the situation. As a man, you think that responding to her issue logically is what she wants, but it’s not. When a woman says something with anger in her voice, it’s typically because she feels like you don’t care about her.
To be fair, she could just be telling you to take out the fucking trash, because it stinks or something. If this is the case, you can just respond logically, because the conversation is just about resolving a logistical issue. But, if she says it with anger in her voice (which is the key), like in the example above, then you need to respond emotionally.
This is the biggest mistake I see guys making. They always come back to me, asking me: “Jon… can you teach me how to get your ex girlfriend back?” I always tell them… first, learn to communicate on the level she wants you to communicate at.
Guys always ask me… “Jon, how do I get over my oneitis?” But again, the answer isn’t to get good with one particular woman. It’s about learning how women communicate, so you’re more attractive to them ALL.
How to Respond Emotionally
She doesn’t want a solution, she wants you to empathize with her. She wants you to communicate with her emotionally. Instead of trying to fix her problem, just listen to what she’s saying and connect with her on an emotional level.
Again, using the last example, say that she is angry you didn’t take out the trash: “You didn’t take out the trash AGAIN? It’s been like 3 days!”
The best way to respond would be to get at the underlying emotions, rather than attacking the surface level problems. Here are some examples of good responses:
- “Why are you so angry?”
- “I’m sorry, I forgot. Are you okay?”
- “I’ll take it out—did you have a bad day today?”
Do you see how these responses clearly come from an emotional state of mind? They’re not logistical responses, like in the first example—they’re inquiries into how she’s feeling. This is the key to remember. When a woman starts an argument with you, it’s always because there’s some sort of underlying feeling that she’s trying to express.
A lot of the time, she doesn’t want you to fix her problems for her, either—she just wants somebody to talk to. When she talks about how difficult work was, or how her friend is being mean to her, or whatever, often times men will come up with a solution for her, to try to solve the problem.
Often times, women don’t want you to solve their problems. They just want to talk about them; this is how they relieve stress and vent their emotions. As men, this is hard for us to understand, because if we tell a male friend about a problem, we typically want him to help us figure it out.
With women, however, problem-solving isn’t a very important virtue. This is why when girls talk with each other, there’s no resolution. It’s a conversation where they just talk about how things made them feel, rather than what they thought about certain things.
An In Depth Example
Let’s say that we have a man named Jerry, and he’s been dating a few women for a while. One of them starts to develop feelings for him, but Jerry is kind of turned off by her smothering him and constantly texting him.
This is a very common thing that happens between men and women—men need space, and women need to understand this. We don’t like to jump into commitment as fast as you might.
So, naturally, this girl becomes angry, because Jerry seems distant. But, she doesn’t express her anger in a direct manner, because most women typically don’t. Usually, she’ll get mad over some little thing. She sees Jerry giving some other girl a hug for a little bit longer than is normal, and she automatically accuses him of cheating:
- Caitlyn: I can’t believe you! How could you do this to me?
- Jerry: I-I just didn’t think it was a big deal, I mean-
- Caitlyn: Not a big deal?! You’re seeing other girls!
- Jerry: We never agreed to be exclusive, though…
- Caitlyn: WELL WHY DIDN’T YOU BRING IT UP WITH ME?!
- Jerry: I thought that you wou-
- Caitlyn: So you don’t want to be exclusive with me? I thought you liked me!
- Jerry: No, I do! I just-
- Caitlyn: BUT WHAT?
- Jerry: Uh, I don’t know, I just don’t want to-
- Caitlyn: UGH [storms off]
Does this look familiar to you? If it does, you need to understand that, in this example, Caitlyn wasn’t trying to communicate an idea.
Most guys interpret this as: “She’s mad I’m dating another girl! I need to explain why she shouldn’t be mad,” but this is completely wrong. What’s actually going on is she’s trying to communicate her feelings. She’s trying to communicate that she’s sad, hurt, and maybe jealous or feeling insecure.
So when you try to logicize her problems away, what does she think? “Oh my god, he doesn’t even understand me!” She’s upset, because she’s opening up to you; she’s sharing her emotions with you, and instead of communicating emotionally with her, on the level that she wants to communicate at, you try to form an analytical argument.
Right off the bat, Jerry got defensive. “I didn’t think it was a big deal!” This is a big mistake. Don’t get defensive or offensive, just remain grounded.
Then, to make matters worse, he tries to fix her problem logically: “We never had a logical agreement to be exclusive, though!” Dude, shut the fuck up. She doesn’t care—she’s expressing the fact that she’s hurt and angry and probably feels very insecure. You’re making her mood worse.
Then, he shifts the blame onto her—and the thing is he’s 100% right, but girls don’t give a fuck about wrong or right in the heat of an argument, because these are logical concepts. They care about how something feels, and shifting the blame on her feels bad.
THEN, as if he didn’t fuck up enough already, he goes back on his core principles. He obviously wants to date other girls, but when confronted by Caitlyn, he lies about his true desires. “No, I do! [want to be exclusive]” She senses that he’s not being honest and storms off, feeling five times worse than she did when she first confronted Jerry. Poor, poor Jerry. When will you ever learn?
Jerry Actually Knows What He’s Doing
Let’s say that Jerry is also dating multiple girls, and one of them finds out. He didn’t try to hide it from her, but she just never asked. Then one day he casually brings up a girl that he had sex with, she puts the pieces together, and gets upset.
First of all, if Jerry just acts like a confident, masculine man from the start, she won’t even care, because she’ll just assume that he’s fucking other girls. But, even though this is the case, let’s just assume that she’s still angry.
As you read the following conversation, notice how he’s getting to the underlying emotions. Notice how he talks about emotions rather than facts:
- Caitlyn: I can’t believe you! How could you do this to me?
- Jerry: Baby, I know that you’re mad—but I just don’t want to settle down until I’m 100% sure that I love you. I really, really care about you, but I want to know that you’re the one before I settle down. The only way that I can do this is by meeting other girls. I’m sorry if I hurt you, but I don’t want to lie.
- Caitlyn: Don’t want to lie?! You hid this from me!
- Jerry: I didn’t, though—you never asked, so I never brought it up. Let me show you my phone, though. Here’s some of the other girls that I’ve been seeing. If you ever want to know anything about the girls I’m seeing, just ask. In fact, why don’t I invite one of them over tonight? You can meet her; she’s really sweet. We can have a couple drinks here, go to the club, and have a good time.
- Caitlyn: [mood is starting to get disarmed, but she still has a sad expression on her face]
- Jerry: I know you’re sad, Caitlyn, but I think you’re gorgeous. You’re absolutely stunning, and I really, really care about you. I mean it. [as he’s saying this he slowly gets closer and puts his hands around her waist]
- Caitlyn: You really feel that way about me, Jon? [He acknowledged her feelings, and empathized with her—she felt insecure, but him expressing his attraction for her re-validated her]
- Jerry: [looks deep into her eyes for a few seconds] Yeah. I do. [goes in for the kiss]
And just like that, they start making out and have passionate make-up sex. He invites another girl over, they go clubbing, and end up having a threesome with Jerry. Did you notice how, in this example, Jerry wasn’t confrontational? He just said what he felt and acknowledged her feelings.
This is key. Don’t try to make her feel bad for feeling a certain way; just acknowledge how she’s feeling and respond with how you feel.
Sometimes, women will also start arguments over dumb little things. This is typically a form of a shit test, where she’s testing you to see if you’re going to cave in like a little bitch or be a man and stand your ground. If this is the case, you can just laugh it off.
Say that Caitlyn and Jerry have been dating for a while, but Jerry still enjoys seeing other women. He’s made it pretty clear, and she knows that he likes this, but she decides to test him one day. She wants to see if she can get him to cave in, or feel bad for his own desires, but he doesn’t fall for it.
Jerry Disarms an “Argument Shit Test”
- Caitlyn: I can’t believe you! How could you do this to me?
- Jerry: Haha what, I just like to fuck girls sorry
- Caitlyn: Jerry! You’re such a pig!
- Jerry: Haha yeah I know
- Caitlyn: [laughs a little] haha shut up, I’m serious!
- Jerry: Haha yeah I am too
- Caitlyn: [laughs a little more] Oh my god Jerry, stop it
- Jerry: haha what are you talking about [goes up to her, picks her up, spins her around, and starts to make out with her]
- Caitlyn [starts cracking up] hahaha oh my god you’re such a player! Stop it!
- Jerry: Haha, nah I’m too shy [goes in for the kiss]
- Caitlyn: [can’t stop giggling, just starts kissing him back]
The key point to remember here is that Jerry just literally doesn’t give a fuck. Not in a bad way, but he’s just like “yeah, I like to fuck girls,” because that’s what he likes to do. He’s just himself, and he’s honest about it—and better yet, he’s able to spread his good emotions to her by cracking jokes, accepting her criticisms, and spinning her around. He also unabashedly makes out with her.
Women find this very attractive, when men are just honest. You’ll get rejected more, but you’ll also get accepted more, too. If you’re bland and boring, you won’t get any harsh rejections, but you also won’t get any girls that love you.
Final Notes
Generally speaking, it all really comes down to one concept: change her mood, not her mind. In other words, don’t try to logicize, don’t try to form analytical argument, don’t try to explain away why she should feel a certain way. Just make her feel a certain way.
That being said, this is often easier said than done. Here’s some tips to guide you along the way:
- Meditate – I cannot tell you how much meditating has helped me stay calm when someone yells at you. It helps you become centered, so that the negative emotions of other people don’t affect you. Rather than being reactive, you learn to just take a deep breath and think before you speak.
- Try to realize how she’s feeling. Look beyond the words that she’s saying and try to understand the emotions beneath them.
- Create firm boundaries. If she won’t stop guilt tripping you for something or unfairly berating you, it’s probably time to form a boundary and kick her out of your life.
- Practice, practice, practice. You don’t get good with women unless you actually spend time with women.
At first, you’ll probably suck at disarming arguments with women—this is fine. Just keep trying and improving your game, and you’ll notice a difference. At first you may only be able to stay grounded for a couple of minutes, and then you get caught up in the argument.
After time, with practice, you’ll be able to sweep her off of her feet and handle her darkest moods; she will reward you by drenching your world in light and love.
If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to let me know. And, as always, I’ll see you next time.
