After you’ve been involved in self-development for a few years, you start to notice how often people lie without even knowing it.
They lie about their health. “Oh, I’ll start that new diet next week. I’m busy this week.”
They lie about their sex life. “I could’ve talked to that girl…but I don’t have the time right now.”
They lie about EVERYTHING. What’s terrifying, however, is realizing just how much you lie to yourself to justify your own fears.
Imagine that you’re walking through a forest…a very dark forest. You’ve been following a path for hours, and you’re so deep in the forest that you can barely see just 10 feet ahead of you. Now imagine that you say to yourself: “Oh, I’ll just go a little bit off the path…it’s not a big deal.”
…and maybe it isn’t, at first. But, you keep going off the path, little by little. You get bolder and bolder, and keep justifying your straying from the path, and before you know it, you’re completely lost and can’t find your way back.
This is what lying does to you. When you lie to yourself for years, or even decades, you literally get caught in your own web of dishonesty and it prevents you from improving your life.
How does it stop you from improving your life? Well, it’s simple, really. If you can’t see reality for what it is, how the hell are you supposed to change it? You can’t. It’s impossible. Changing reality depend on being able to actually engage with it, and interpret it for what it is.
“So then why do people lie to themselves, Jon?” someone might ask. Well, they lie to themselves, to preserve their self-image. It’s painful to admit the truth, ESPECIALLY in self-improvement.
It’s painful to admit that you’re weak, either physically or mentally. It’s painful to admit that you suck with women. It’s painful to admit that you’re broke. So, most people lie to themselves and make excuses…but if you want to transform your life, this won’t get you anywhere.
What’s so insidious about the lies you tell yourself, is that they don’t start off as being anything huge. In fact, most of the lies you tell yourself are pretty small…at first.
Say, for example, you’re stuck working a job that you really hate, but it pays decently. What do most men do? They lie to themselves. They tell themselves that it’s not “that bad,” even though they desperately want to do something else.
They tell themselves that their boss isn’t “that mean,” or that the pay is “pretty good,” and eventually, the lies start snowballing. When another job opportunity comes up, that’s much better, they lie to themselves again: “I’m comfortable here, and I’ve got security.”
They pass down more and more opportunities, take less and less risks, and before you know it, they hit 60 years old, and they’ve wasted their whole life. “What went wrong?!” they’ll ask on their death bed—but we both know what went wrong.
When you lie to yourself, little by little, you slowly weave a web that prevents you from engaging with reality in an effective manner.
Most men weave MASSIVE webs of lies, in all areas of life. Whether it’s with their finances, their lifestyles, their sex lives, or their health…99% of people lie to themselves more than they’re even aware.
If you want to be a motherfucking boss, you can’t lie to yourself. You have to spit yourself the real deal, otherwise you’re just playing yourself for a fool. Being brutally honest with yourself is the only way you can actually see reality for what it is, and then change it.
I remember listening to a self-improvement coach when I was 16 or 17 years old, and he said something that I didn’t quite understand at the time.
He said that every time you lie to yourself, every time you cheat, steal, or act dishonestly, you stop the process of becoming a mature adult. In other words, you hurt YOURSELF more than you hurt others.
I didn’t realize it at the time, but this is one of the best gems of wisdom out there. It isn’t some “airy fairy,” nonsense, or “hippie dippie,” bullshit, it’s the truth. When people lie, they take the easy way out—rather than facing the consequences of their actions, they just shirk on their responsibilities.
When you do this over and over, you teach yourself to just lie when it’s convenient…and it may not seem like a big deal at first, but when compounded over years and years, it leads to:
When you decide to be honest, on the other hand, it’s painful—but it leads to the most growth. When you admit to yourself that “this friend is using me,” or maybe even that “I’m using this friend,” you discover the truth, and can act accordingly.
Maybe you kick him out of your life, or examine why you were using him. Maybe you decide to bring it up with him, and he feels the same way, and your friendship improves. Either way, honesty is how you grow.
When you’re honest enough to admit your fears, your faults, and your failures, you allow yourself to accept these things and change them. You can’t change anything if you’re in complete denial.
Health is one of the most important things that you have. It doesn’t matter how much money you have, how many relationships you have, or how successful you are…if you’re so sick you can’t get out of bed, you have absolutely nothing.
So you’d think that most guys would take their health seriously, right? Wrong—most people would rather lie to themselves about their health. This is one of the biggest issues that I have when coaching men, it’s that they’re not even AWARE of the lies they tell themselves.
Sometimes I’ll have to keep pushing, and pushing, and pushing…until they finally realize “Holy shit. I’ve been lying to myself this whole time.”
As an example, I know one person that literally told me that food “doesn’t count,” if nobody sees you eating it. Are you fucking joking me? This is absolutely DELUSIONAL, what kind of mental gymnastics do you have to pull to think this?
Here are some of the lies people tell themselves when it comes to their health:
Realize that you are 100% in control of your health, and whether you’re fat, obese, and out of shape, or strong, chiseled, and powerful, is ENTIRELY your decision! Don’t have time to make dinner? Okay, then grab a healthy option like Chipotle or Sushi instead of fucking KFC.
It’s only dessert? Really? How often do you tell yourself that, like every single day? Then it isn’t “only” fucking anything—it’s a lifestyle. You’re tired? Tough fucking shit, stop being a pussy and making excuses—get your health in order and take responsibility for your actions.
Look into your life right now, and ask yourself where you’ve been dishonest about your health. Do you follow a healthy diet? Do you work out regularly? Do you do cardio? If not, it’s time to get real with yourself.
Some of the BIGGEST lies that men tell themselves have to do with women. I always say that there’s two delusions that every man has: that they could win any fight, and that they could get any girl.
The fact of the matter is most guys completely suck when it comes to women. They’re not smooth, they’re not confident, and they’re definitely not seductive…and that’s fine, but what isn’t fine is that they can’t even admit it.
Most guys tell themselves that they’re good with women, and end up dating like 2 girls before they “settle down,” with the only girl willing to marry them.
…and it’s completely pathetic. You don’t want to do this, you want to CHOOSE a woman from a place of abundance rather than a place of scarcity. This is why it’s so crucial that you learn game. It gives you options and it gives you abundance.
Are you serious about learning game? Answer honestly. I’ve had so many guys tell me: “Yeah, Jon! I’m really serious about learning game!” and then when I ask them how many days a week they practice, they say something like “Oh, I go out twice a month.”
Motherfucker, are you joking me? Do you know what SERIOUS means? It means going out every god damn day and approaching 10-20 women, AT LEAST. It means staying out until 4 in the morning, approaching every hot girl you see. This is what serious means.
If you’re focused on building a business, getting in better shape, or something else, that’s FINE, but be honest with yourself about it. Don’t tell yourself that you’re “serious about learning game,” when you only go out like twice a month.
Be honest with yourself—are you happy with the women in your life? When’s the last time you had sex? How often do you usually have sex? Do you have any close relationships? The answers may be uncomfortable, but you have to ask these questions if you want to improve your game.
“Money isn’t everything,” they say. Oh really? Tell that to the guy who’s living in a mansion in Miami, where it’s warm and sunny every day, who has the best food, the best cars, and the best clothes.
Tell that to the man who’s got gorgeous women pursuing him every day, and who can afford to throw lavish parties all the time. Tell that to the man who’s got cool friends that are also rich, that go sky-diving, yachting, and mountain-climbing with him.
Sayings like “money isn’t everything,” or “money can’t buy happiness,” are bullshit. There’s some truth to them, but 99% of the time people use these statements to justify their own lack of success.
OBVIOUSLY everybody knows that friendship, relationships, and fulfillment are more important than money…but money is still pretty god damn important. That’s why you’ll never hear millionaires say “money isn’t everything,” because there’s no point to saying it.
It’s always poor people who say that, because they want to lie to themselves and justify their own failures. “Money isn’t everything,” says the broke 27 year old living in his parents’ basement, earning $500 a month. Don’t be that guy.
Instead, ask yourself—how much money do you ACTUALLY want to be earning? What would you buy with it? What would your ideal lifestyle be if you had all the money in the world? The answer may surprise you.
Maybe you just want to travel around, and backpack through Europe—maybe you want to spend money on experiences and on loved ones, instead of on cars and luxury clothes. That’s fine, but you still need money to do it.
Money is FREEDOM, and without money, you are not free. If you’re stressed about paying bills, worried about making enough to buy the organic food that you want, and constantly working 80 hours a week, you are not free.
The #1 biggest factor that will determine your success, is how honest you are with yourself. The more realistic your view of reality, the better you’ll be able to change it.
Think about it—if you’re always lying to yourself about your health, how can you ever change it? If you always tell yourself that “you’re happy,” when you’re not, how can you change it? If you can’t even admit that you’re terrified of talking to girls, how can you ever find your dream wife?
In your journey towards becoming a total boss, you need to understand the 3 layers of honesty:
The first one is the easiest, but most people don’t even accomplish that. The second is harder, and the third is the hardest—you should strive for reaching the third level, though.
The first level simply entails self-honesty. Are you overweight? Admit it. Are you terrified of quitting your job? Admit it. Do you hate your wife? Admit it. Be 100% honest with yourself, so that you can figure out a game plan to change things.
The second level entails reporting the facts to others, without lying directly or by omission. Did you cancel plans, because you’d rather hang out with somebody else? Then say so. Did you crash your friend’s car, because you were drunk? Then say so.
Then, there’s the third level, which is reporting not just the FACTS, but your FEELINGS about the facts.
For example, instead of saying “I cheated on you,” to your wife, you’ll say “I cheated on you, because you’re always nagging me, and it’s incredibly frustrating.”
Instead of saying “I couldn’t meet the sales quote,” to your boss, you’ll say “I couldn’t meet the sales quota, because I feel that it’s very unrealistic seeing the resources that we have.”
Instead of saying “I crashed your car, because I was drunk,” to your friend, you’ll say “I crashed your car, because I was drunk. I feel like such a fool, and I’m so sorry—I’ll make it up to you.”
The third level of honesty is the goal—when you learn to not only be honest with yourself, but to also be completely honest with others, your entire life will flourish.
Think of it as building your life on a “sturdy foundation.” If you build your life upon lies, it’s like building a house upon sand. Building your job, your friends, your relationships, and your entire life around honesty, however, is like building a house on firm, solid ground.
In summary, telling yourself the truth is the single fastest way to grow as a human being. Tell yourself the truth about everything, even if it’s uncomfortable—ESPECIALLY if it’s uncomfortable.
You’ll know that you’re on the path when being honest is uncomfortable. That’s something you need to explore, because it’s usually uncomfortable for a reason. The uncomfortable truths hurt, but they’re how we grow.
Afraid to talk to a girl? Admit it to yourself. Afraid to start a business? Admit it to yourself. Angry at someone? Sad about something? Admit it. The path of honesty is very arduous, but it’s also the most rewarding.
If you guys have any questions or concerns, feel free to let me know in the comments section down below—and, as always, I’ll see you next time.
Jon Anthony is a dating coach, fitness expert, and self-improvement guru. He dropped out of college to start Masculine Development in 2015, and has since been self-employed, helping men across the world achieve their best lives. You can best reach him on social media, or via email for questions.
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