“Am I an Alpha Male or a Beta Male?” Plenty of men, after being exposed to the manosphere, ask themselves this question…but it isn’t entirely accurate.
There’s a billion articles talking about “Top 10 Alpha Male Behaviors,” or “Signs You’re a Beta Male,” and I’m here to tell you it’s all bullshit.
Yeah, most of it is bullshit. Whether you’re an Alpha male or a Beta male is not determined by your behavior, but rather by the mindset from which your behavior arises.
When a lot of guys first get started in the field of self-development, they go through this sort of “fake phase.” What I mean by this, is that they’ve read about alpha males and beta males, and they’ve realized that they act like a beta male.
So to become more “alpha,” they change their behaviors. They spend all of this time fretting over questions like:
But what they don’t realize is that you can change every single one of your behaviors…and it still won’t change whether you’re an alpha or beta male.
Whether you’re an alpha male or beta male is determined by your mindset. This is my gripe with most of modern masculine self-development. It trains men to attack the surface level problems, and not the underlying causes.
So instead of trying to change every single one of your little behaviors, just change your underlying mindset so that the behaviors will change themselves naturally.
If you’re reading my blog, then you should be out building your social circle on the regular. This is one of the most important habits for men to have, and it will change your life in ways you can’t even imagine.
If you’ve been going out to various night clubs, bars, and other social venues, then I guarantee there’s something that you’ve seen a large number of times.
Ugly, fat girls who try to hide their unattractiveness with flashy jewelry, loads of makeup, and silk dresses.
Not to be a dick, but I’m just telling it how it is. Do you find those girls attractive? Of course not. You can see through their fake exterior. You can tell they’re just covering up their underlying unattractiveness with a bunch of external bullshit.
Yeah, that’s right. That’s exactly what girls think when they see a beta male who tries to “act alpha.” They can smell through it in a minute, because they’re extremely intuitive. They can tell when a man is just acting confident, but doesn’t actually have true confidence.
You guys have a bunch of articles and bullshit misleading you, telling you that you can “Become an Alpha Male by Following These 4 Behaviors!”—and it pisses me off, because I was in the same boat as you a while back.
Don’t get misled by bullshit marketing and hype—if you want to become an alpha male, you have to do more than just cover up beta male behaviors.
You have to shift your mindset. You have to think about things like an alpha male would, and you have to feel the same way that an alpha male would. You need to completely transform who you are.
Like I said before—if you just change your mindset, then everything will fall into place. Having an alpha male mindset will naturally change your behaviors, so that they’re congruent with who you are.
There’s an old saying, which is that “The self is always shining through.” There’s no way to hide who you are—especially when you’re talking to a woman.
I love to use examples, so let me use one again to help shed light onto this concept.
Say that Jerry is a 24 year old guy who is a total beta male. He’s meek, unassertive, fat, lazy, and a complete failure at life.
He probably has a number of underlying beliefs, but let’s take a look at one in particular, which is extremely insidious and very common nowadays: “I need other peoples’ approval.”
This is one of the most fundamental beliefs of a “beta male”—because his parents probably didn’t give him enough attention, he seeks to get it from others in a futile attempt to nourish his wounded inner child.
Now—say that he reads a bunch of articles about “alpha male behavior” and decides to implement it into his life.
He ends up having a date with a girl, and the whole time he’s in his head. The whole time, he’s thinking “UHH okay, how would an alpha male act?!”—and he ends up seeming wildly incongruent and fake.
Maybe he tries to confidently lead her, doesn’t break eye contact, and exhibits certain behaviors typically associated with alpha males. But then, when he’s talking with the girl, he always seems to be seeking her approval.
His behaviors say “I’m an alpha male,” but his emotions betray him—you can’t hide a beta male mindset with alpha male behaviors.
His beta male mindset will sneak its way into his tone of voice, his body language, his facial expressions, and his behavior—and they communicate one thing, loud and clear: this man is fake. He’s the fat girl trying to hide her chub by putting on a loose fitting dress.
It’s not attractive, and it’s pointless. The girl is not going to be attracted to him. Not to mention, other guys who are actually alpha males can see through this facade so, SO easily.
Your underlying beliefs manifest themselves through little sub-communications, so trying to change your behavior is literally pointless. Patrick would probably get a little pat on the back by this girl and then never see her again.
Patrick would then, probably do one of two things: either try to change his behavior even more, or get mad at women and blame them for his own problems.
If he tries to change his behavior even more, he may actually get really good at it. He may become very proficient at fooling people—but it won’t last long. The cracks in his behavior will begin to show up in 25 minutes rather than 5.
It’s just a fucking wild goose chase. He’ll spin his wheels trying to “act more alpha,” and all the while he’s just delaying the inevitable rejection.
Or, he’ll take the other route, and just get mad at women. If he doesn’t at first, he will after months of trying to change his behavior to no avail. “Women are all selfish, narcissistic whores!” screams Jerry.
You see this belief a lot on the manosphere. SO MANY guys get mad at girls for not accepting them, and they blame women for their problems. What’s so funny is that they don’t realize that it’s actually their fault, and they’re actually rejecting themselves by desperately seeking validation from women.
Again, this is because they’re very misguided—this comes from a very negative underlying belief: “I need women to accept me – and if they don’t, I FEEL REJECTED AND WILL GET FUCKING ANGRY >:(!”
Don’t be like this guy—instead, choose to change your beliefs.
Say that instead of reading “Top 10 Alpha Male Behaviors,” Jerry stumbles upon my blog. So, instead of trying to change his behaviors, he focuses on changing his beliefs.
Now this doesn’t mean you can’t do both—in fact, I recommend doing both at first. Change your behaviors AND your mindset, but focus on your mindset.
The focus should always be on changing your underlying beliefs. So maybe instead of spending hours and hours trying to change all of his needy little behaviors, let’s say that Patrick decides to change his beliefs.
Patrick starts cultivating a very deep love of himself; he starts putting his own interests first. Patrick learns to live life fearlessly, and gets rid of negative influences in his life.
Patrick begins to read books, and starts working out. Maybe he even picks up a copy of my eBook on masculinity, because he knows that it’s the fastest way to turn from a beta male into an alpha male.
At first he’ll start changing just because he wants to “be accepted,” but soon enough he’ll come to enjoy improving himself as a man.
Slowly, but surely, he will integrate positive beliefs into his life—he’ll begin to develop core confidence and self-love. He’ll begin to appreciate himself, and develop the belief that he’s an alpha male.
So the next time he’s with a girl, what do you think is going to happen? Is he going to be all in his head, thinking “UH OH should I do this? OR MAYBE THAT? Is that too beta?”
No, he’s just going to do what the fuck he wants.
If a girl is rude to him he’s not going to chase her, seeking validation, he’s just going to ignore her. Not because he’s bitter, but because he just doesn’t want her in his life.
If he really likes a girl and wants to treat her to dinner, he’ll treat her to dinner. Not because he wants her to approve of him, but because he actually just wants to do something nice for her.
In short, he’ll do what he wants to do, rather than doing what he thinks will get him validation and acceptance.
Depending on the mindset, any behavior can be either alpha or beta. Whenever you do something, out of social pressure, nervousness, or fear of retaliation, it’s generally from a beta male mindset.
On the flip side, whenever you do something because you actually want to do it, it’s coming from an alpha male mindset. Let’s use the examples below to clarify:
For example, say that Jerry has been working out with a girl, and she comes back to his place afterwards. Jerry has been desperately trying to have sex with this girl for months, and she continues to reject his advances.
But this time around, she says she’s “sore,” and needs a massage. “O-Oh my g-god, now’s my chance!” thinks Jerry.
Foolish Jerry. If she’s rejected you many times before, what makes you think this time will be any different?But, he’s desperate to get laid—so despite this girl’s repeated rejections of him and playing games, he gives her a massage.
In fact, he gives her a 30 minute massage…the works. He whips out the cacao butter, and gently massages this girl—the whole time he’s eagerly awaiting his prize at the end.
And then, when he goes in to kiss her, she pushes him away and laughs “Haha, no thanks…soooorry!”
Then she puts her shirt on, grabs her purse, and bolts out the door. Jerry is furious! He thinks that women owe him sex, like a transaction, so he feels like he deserves sex just because he gave her a message.
“What the fuck,” thinks Jerry. “I did all of that and she didn’t even fuck me.” And I guarantee you, Jerry is going to continue working out with this girl, because she sends him the occasional “winky face” emoticon and he thinks he’s going to get lucky this time.
This behavior is clearly beta male behavior. Why? Because it’s stemming from a beta male mindset. He feels like he has to “do something,” to get sex—he’s desperate to get some action, so he’s willing to sacrifice his time and effort to try to “earn it.”
Now, a different example. Say that Jerry has been reading my blog for a while and he’s starting to become an alpha male. He’s implementing the advice that I give, and slowly, but surely, transforming his life.
Jerry met the exact same girl in the last example, but as soon as he realized that she was playing games he stopped inviting her to do stuff.
Jerry wasn’t needy and desperate for female attention, so he stopped hitting her up because she was clearly just using him. Consequently—she became very attracted to him, because she saw that he had firm boundaries and was an alpha male.
So she starts fucking him, and they grow closer and closer. Sometimes she comes over to Jerry’s house and just hangs out, cooks them dinner, and sucks his dick.
“Wow,” thinks Jerry. “This girl is pretty cool—she’s super nice to me, I kind of want to return the favor.”
So he texts her, saying that he has a surprise for her. She asks what it is, and he says she’ll have to come over and find out. He gives her a nice massage, and then they fuck afterwards.
The difference is the mindset that it’s coming from. In the first example, Jerry was coming from a very desperate, needy mindset.
Even though that girl was treating him like shit and stringing him along, he put in tons and tons of effort to please her, hoping that she’d sleep with him. This is clearly “beta male” behavior, which stems from a beta male mindset.
In this first example, Jerry is coming from a complete lack of abundance. He has no girls in his life and has no purpose, so he’s incredibly desperate to have sex.
He’ll jump through whatever hoops it takes to get laid—he doesn’t care if it insults his dignity, or makes him feel like less of a man. He’s just so needy and he craves validation, so he’ll do whatever it takes to get it. This is the telltale sign of a beta male—they need female validation.
In the second example, however, Jerry literally did the exact thing for her. He gave her a massage. So what’s the difference? Well, this time, Jerry’s underlying mindset was “This girl’s been doing some pretty cool stuff for me—I want to return the favor.”
He gave her a massage, because he wanted to, not because he was desperate to sleep with her. Do you see how literally the exact same behavior can be either alpha or beta depending on the mindset that it arises out of?
When you act out of a desire to help, or to give, generally speaking, it’s going to be an alpha male behavior.
When you act out of a desire to take, generally speaking, it’s going to be a beta male behavior.
Alpha males act, because they want to. They have an abundance of good emotions and resources, so they aren’t afraid of giving it away to people that they like.
Beta males act, because they want validation. They are desperate for good emotions, approval, and sex, so all of their actions are calculated and designed to “take” from others. They’re needy, because they’re always trying to get something from other people—whether it be validation or acceptance.
This is the difference: the alpha male acts because he wants to, the beta male acts because he is needy and has an agenda.
To help really flesh out this concept, I’m going to give you guys a list of beliefs that Alpha vs. Beta males typically have. As you’re reading this, ask yourself: which beliefs do I have?
Okay—so now that I’ve made it clear that being an alpha male is about a mindset, the next logical question is: how do I change my mindset?
Generally speaking, there’s a few ways to change your beliefs—and you’ve actually already done the hard part.
The hard part is becoming aware of these underlying beliefs. Most people never even become aware of them, and just drift through life unconsciously.
So, now that you’re aware of them, you can start changing them. It won’t happen overnight, because changing your personality takes time—but, if you stick with it, you’ll be glad you did.
Here’s what I recommend doing:
The very first thing that I recommend doing is to implement good habits into your life. They won’t change you immediately, but they will change you over time.
The guy who improves himself by just 1% a day will be leaps and bounds ahead of the average person in just half a year.
This concept is known as the slight edge—it’s the idea that just improving yourself by 1% every day won’t seem significant at first, but over months and years, it adds up to the difference between a mediocre man and a millionaire.
Generally speaking, there’s a few “core habits,” that I’ve compiled, which I believe every man should have:
That’s really all that you need to be successful. Sure, there’s other things you can do with your life, like learning an instrument, a language, or starting a business. But those are the 4 fundamental habits for success, and they’ll slowly change your mindset.
This is actually a very deep topic, and I’m going to write an article about this in depth in the future. But basically, you can weaken a belief by searching for evidence that contradicts it and by shining light on it.
For example—if you have a very deep seeded insecurity, ask yourself: where did this belief come from?
Trace it all the way back to its roots, which is likely your childhood. Then ask yourself: “Is the person who taught me this belief worth modeling my life after?”
More often than not, the answer will be no. It was probably a fucking loser who gave you this belief. Maybe an alcoholic parent, a needy mother, or an abusive step-father. Or maybe a certain bully or a teacher who made you feel stupid.
Either way—it was a fucking loser who gave you this belief. What kind of an adult would put this belief into a kid’s head? Seriously – how fucking pathetic do you have to be to teach a child that they’re worthless, or stupid, or not good enough?
Pretty fucking pathetic.
That should start to weaken the belief. Once you realize that the person who gave it to you isn’t worth your time, you’ll start to realize that the belief isn’t grounded in reality. There’s no reason to have it.
Beyond this, you can do even more. There’s actually specific exercises you can do to weaken a belief, but I’ll save that for another article.
Having a purpose is the most important thing that a man could ever have. It will put fire in your belly, it will give you will and drive, and it will push you to achieve and conquer.
If you haven’t discovered your purpose yet, finding it is a great way to become an alpha male.
Alpha males understand that their purpose in life transcends everything else. Their purpose is more important than anything else, even their lives.
This may sound melodramatic, but it’s true—when you completely embody a purpose, suddenly you’ll find that you don’t put up with bullshit.
Your purpose validates you—you don’t need other peoples’ validation. You feel complete, because you have a purpose. Thus, you don’t seek completion from others. What type of man spends hours trying to figure out how to act like an alpha male? Clearly, a man without a purpose.
A man with a purpose doesn’t give a fuck how people interpret his actions—not in a negative or mean way, but just because he’s okay with being himself.
And he’s okay with being himself, because he feels that his life has meaning—a purpose gives him determination, decisiveness; it gives him energy and vitality. These things are all characteristic of alpha males and you’ll find that once you have a purpose your beliefs change.
For example—right now, I’m writing this article in a coffee shop. There’s a hot girl over in the corner who’s been staring at me and playing with her hair, and it’s pretty obvious that she wants me to go talk to her.
But fuck that, because I want to write this article for you guys. This is my purpose right now.
My purpose is to write this article—I’m INTENSELY focused on churning it out, and everything else in my life becomes stupid and trivial…for now. Do you see the fundamental belief here?
The fundamental belief that I have right now is that “my purpose is more important than women.” My purpose is more important than getting some girl’s number. Who the fuck cares about getting some girl’s number when I’m embodying my purpose?
This is an example of how having a purpose will naturally set your beliefs straight.
When you have a purpose, women take a backseat in your life. You don’t seek validation from others. You’re determined, decisive, and you take fucking action to further your purpose.
So start finding your purpose. If you need help, consider trying Strategy #1 in my eBook.
Jon Anthony is a world renowned dating coach and the founder of Masculine Development, a website specifically dedicated to helping men improve their personal, dating, and financial lives. After years of training men how to attract women, build muscle, and make more money, Jon created the "7 Strategies" program to help kickstart your journey to success. Jon firmly believes that every man should have control over his own life, and he created Masculine Development to share his passion with men who want success in all areas.
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