Learning game as a newbie is one of the toughest things that you will ever do, but it’s also one of the most rewarding things that you will ever do. I never had “natural” game. I was never born with the ability to effortlessly attract women, like several very fortunate men are. But it doesn’t matter. You don’t have to be a natural to learn game with girls. You just have to put in the work.
In this article I will address several things that often make it difficult to learn game as a newbie, and how you can overcome them. I will also touch upon the course of action that you should be taking to learn game as a newbie.
Remember that I am speaking from experience here. Don’t worry if you suck with girls, because you CAN get better.
I recall being introduced into the PUA community when I was around the age of 16. It wasn’t until I was actually 18 or 19 that I started taking action, however. Why did I wait so long? It’s actually pretty simple: I was scared as fuck.
When you’ve never slept with a girl, it can be incredibly intimidating to walk up to a stunner in the club. I can relate to this 100%, and in fact, to this day I still get nervous. It’s just a part of a being human.
There are several things that make it difficult to learn game as a newbie, but it all really boils down to one emotion: fear.
When you’re first trying to learn game as a newbie, fear will be the biggest obstacle to your success. It takes many forms, but ultimately it comes down to one thing.
You’re afraid of rejection. Embarrassment. Negative social consequences. Things that don’t exist.
At some point in time, these things served a valuable purpose. You couldn’t just walk into a village and start hitting on girls, because the alpha male of the village would probably knock you over the head with a club. Even though this threat doesn’t exist anymore, our bodies are still hardwired to assume that it does.
This is the biggest obstacle to anyone trying to learn game as a newbie. There are several ways to overcome fear, but the most effective way in my opinion is to utilize a concept known as baby-stepping.
Before you’re even able to really learn game as a newbie, you have to overcome the crippling fear that most guys experience at first. If you’ve already overcome this fear, then you can skip ahead. But if you haven’t, you need to read this.
As a newbie trying to learn game, jumping right into the club and hitting on a bunch of hot girls won’t do much for you. You probably aren’t truly confident in yourself, your style isn’t that great, and your game sucks shit.
What’ll happen is a bunch of girls will just reject you and you’ll just develop an even deeper fear than you had before of approaching women.
The solution to all of this is to baby step yourself.
Start by just asking a few girls for the time, either during the day or the night. Then slowly work your way up to having a conversation with them. Maybe go out to a bar just to get a drink, and don’t bother practicing game at all.
Do you see the point? If you want to learn game as a newbie, you need to slowly overcome your crippling anxiety. You accomplish this by progressive desensitization.
Progressive desensitization is the idea that you slowly desensitize yourself to fear. At first it will be the fear of just talking to women. Then it will be the fear of acting sexual around them. Then the fear of getting physical with them, the fear of pulling them home, and the fear of fucking them.
You have to “babystep” yourself, or work your way up, if you’re trying to learn game as a newbie.
You don’t have to immediately walk up to a stunning girl and start hitting on her. You can take your time. Start small. Just say “what’s up?” to a girl in line at Starbucks, or ask a girl if you can “work in” at the gym.
Now, keep in mind – don’t use this as an excuse to NEVER start approaching girls. You have to actually approach girls and try to pull them if you want to learn. But if you’re deathly intimidated, then consider baby stepping yourself.
This can also be applied on a micro-scale. For example, if you see a gorgeous girl, but you’re afraid to talk to her, just say to yourself: “Oh, I’ll just start walking towards her, that’s all.” Then when you get really close, just say “Oh, I’ll just ask her for the time.” Then at the last minute, do what you actually want to do. Ask her for her name and start gaming her.
Learn to find your own little emotional triggers. Game is, interestingly enough, also part gaming yourself. Learn to get yourself going by taking tiny baby steps.
Just the other day, I wasn’t feeling it. I didn’t want to go out clubbing. I was in a bad fucking mood, but I just decided to start baby stepping myself and get myself out there. Here’s how I did it:
Do you see the point? Just focus on the immediate thing in front of you.
Don’t focus on what could go wrong, or what you have to do ten steps ahead, JUST FOCUS ON WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO NOW to get your goal done.
I can greatly empathize with anyone trying to learn game. It was, perhaps, one of the hardest things that I’ve ever done—and I’m not even an expert. In fact, I’d say I’m only “level 4” from 1-10. Most guys are a “level 1.”
Even though I’ve slept with more hot girls than I can remember, I still have a ridiculous amount to learn. I’ve seen guys that literally blow me away infield. I’ve seen some of the oldschool “pickup artist” guys fuck girls who just got married 3 days ago…that’s how good some of them are.
With this in mind, however, I’ve also learned a lot. I’ve learned a lot of things that can help you along your journey, and I want to share some of them with you today.
One of the many gripes that girls have with the pickup artist community, as that they tell beginners to fuck as many girls as possible, and to avoid a girlfriend. Why is this? Well, the reason is that they’re trying to do what’s best for you. If they told you to get into a relationship, do you know what a newbie would do?
He’d fall in love with the first girl that fucked him, and wouldn’t practice game anymore. Then she’d become repulsed by his neediness, and then dump him, and then he’d hate girls.
This is why if you’re trying to learn game as a newbie, you MUST NOT get a girlfriend (at first). Focus on fucking as many girls as possible. A lot of girls might get offended by this, but that’s fine—if they’re smart, they’ll realize that this is what a newbie needs.
THEN, eventually once you have emotional self-reliance, game, and confidence, you will be able to provide a woman with an awesome boyfriend. But only then.
A lack of masculinity is the root problem when it comes to having no game. If you just fix your masculinity, as I discuss in my eBook, most of this will naturally fix itself.
The reason why is there’s two types of game: outer game and inner game. Outer game is all of the typical “PUA” stuff, like negs, routines, openers, and canned lines. It’s also some other stuff that isn’t as “PUA-y,” such as kino, learning when to get physical, how to disarm her friends, etc.
Then there’s inner game. Inner game is your confidence, your assertiveness, your decisiveness, how entitled you feel, and how solid your frame is.
When you develop your masculinity, this is essentially the same as developing inner game. The beauty of developing your masculinity, too, is that the effects reach far beyond getting girls. If you take the time to develop your masculinity, every aspect of your life will flourish: your emotional health, your love life, your social life…but also your financial life, your spiritual health, and your physical health.
I don’t want to keep putting in a plug for my eBook, because I get that it can be annoying, but SERIOUSLY. It’s the best way to improve your game, and every aspect of your life, because it attacks the root of the problem: your lack of masculinity.
A large obstacle that many newbies face, and that I faced for a while, is anger towards women. It’s hard to not be angry at women, when it seems like all they do is reject you. This anger can be seen in a number of different statements, such as:
And a whole host of other comments. The thing is, when a newbie says these things, he’s really just mad he’s not getting laid.
A lot of guys trying to learn game as a newbie have been brought up to believe that you need to be a giant “nice guy,” who’s a complete doormat to a woman. So naturally, when they have this belief shattered, and undergo the “Hero’s Journey of Modern Men,” they become extremely angry.
This isn’t just a game thing, it’s a people thing. Any time someone has a belief of theirs shattered, it’s very easy to grow angry—don’t. Accept that women are attracted to certain characteristics, such as decisiveness, assertiveness, and confidence, and that you have been lied to. Accept that this is the case, and then take massive action to change yourself.
A big mistake that a lot of guys make when they first get into game is that they don’t grow the other areas of their life as well. This may seem good at first, because they’re saving time by not reading, meditating, working on finances, and whatever else, but in the long run it actually comes back to bite them.
A lot of guys actually get really fucked up from learning game. Yeah.
Maybe I shouldn’t be telling you this as a newbie, but it’s true—when guys aren’t grounded in some other way, the success with women goes to their heads. It’s like childhood celebrities that grow up to be incredibly narcissistic and depressed. Because they got too famous too fast, they basically went insane.
A mild version of this happens to men with game. Not always, but sometimes. If you start getting good and end up having tons of hot girls, what will sometimes happen is you’ll become addicted to the “player image,” but no girl will ever be enough.
You’ll grow addicted to the “player identity,” that you’ve formed around yourself, and will be in constant fear that the identity will crumble apart.
Don’t let that happen. While you’re learning pickup, you should also be meditating, reading some of the best books for men, working out, and focusing on self-development. This success in other areas of your life will allow you to depend on being a player for gratification less and less, until you do pickup because it’s fun, not because you have something to prove.
Finding other men to learn pickup with you is no easy task. Most men are completely turned off by the idea that you have to learn to get good with girls, but if you ask me, that’s stupid. Everyone has something that they can improve at, and most guys can improve with girls. Don’t think so? Really? Are you in a relationship with a solid 10 who’s absolutely amazing in every way? No? Then shut the fuck up.
Consider trying to grow with your friends, but as I’ve said before, sometimes they aren’t going to want to grow with you. Sometimes you’ll have to leave friends behind. I know it sounds harsh, but if they aren’t helping you grow as a human being, it’s time.
You’ll probably end up meeting guys out at the club who have killer game, and here’s what you do: offer to be their wing man. Yup, that’s it. Don’t try to “take” from them—don’t desperately crave their teachings.
Focus on how you can help them (in this case by being their wing man), and in the process you’ll learn a shit ton about game. At some point it’d be great to find a younger man who you can teach, because this will help to cement the lessons in your head. But, for now—let’s just focus on getting some basic game down.
Don’t even get me started on the “dark places,” of the PUA community. I do not think that it’s an exaggeration to say that 99% of PUA is absolute garbage. Trust me, I’ve been there.
Those shitty ads for “Say This One Thing to Get Her Pants Off!” and “Jedi Mind Tricks to Make Her Want to Fuck You!” are absolute garbage, but men still somehow get conned into paying “Only 3 payments of $59.99!” for them.
Even the “5 Signs You’re An Alpha Male” type articles are horse shit. Alpha isn’t something that you “act like,” it’s something that you ARE. That’s the problem with most PUA stuff. These guys that don’t actually have game market content and try to make a quick buck by selling you lies about how you can “change your behavior and get laid!”
And what’s sad is that it’s true to an extent—but it’s only a half truth. Yes, alpha males act a certain way, but unless you’re an alpha male, trying to act like one won’t work. It’s like the fat ugly girl who dresses up all nice for the club, trying to hide her underlying attractiveness with a thin veneer. Do you find this girl attractive? No.
This is exactly what girls think of guys who are complete chodes, but try to act “alpha.” It’s lame, and they can see right through it. Instead, cultivate the mindset of an alpha male. Yes, it will take time, but no shit—you can’t go from being a complete virgin to laying new girls every week without some work.
Just put in the work and you’ll reap the rewards. It’s that simple.
Learning game as a newbie will be one of the hardest things that you ever do, no doubt. But as you’ll soon come to learn, it will be well, well worth it.
The benefits extend far beyond girls, as well. Learning to just vibe and be charismatic will also help you with business connections. It will open your mind up to deeper emotional experiences than most can experience. It will make you a better man, and help you succeed at everything using upward spirals.
Start by baby stepping yourself. Eventually work your way up to pulling girls. While you’re doing this, work on yourself so that you become grounded (this will also accelerate your game learning curve, funny enough). Work on getting quantity at first, then work your way into quality. Eventually, you’ll have both.
If you have any questions or comments, feel free to leave them down below. I love hearing from my readers and make it a point to respond to every single one of them. If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns, let me know. I hope that you gained a lot from this article, and I’ll see you around.
Jon Anthony is a dating coach, fitness expert, and self-improvement guru. He dropped out of college to start Masculine Development in 2015, and has since been self-employed, helping men across the world achieve their best lives. You can best reach him on social media, or via email for questions.