What if I told you that creepiness actually has nothing to do with the way that a guy looks? What if I told you that a male model can come off as creepy, too? Would you believe me?
Probably not—most people think that creepiness has to do with the way that you look, but if you actually talk to women about this, you’ll realize that it’s much more of a “vibe,” than it is a look.
Creepiness has everything to do with you being needy. It has nothing to do with the way that you look. Here’s why:
What Does “Creepy” Even Mean?
Every woman has experienced creepiness before. Whether it’s from some guy that was hitting on her at the mall, or from that ex-boyfriend who just won’t leave her alone, they’ve all felt it.
However, women are notoriously terrible at explaining why they dislike something. That’s because they don’t logically dislike things, but they emotionally dislike them.
If you ask them what makes a guy creepy, they’ll often resort to specific examples and just talk about how it made them feel. They won’t give you any actual information that you can apply and use to change yourself. This isn’t their fault, of course. Just like men, women know what they want and don’t want, but usually don’t know why.
But, creepiness is actually surprisingly simple. Like I alluded to before, women get creeped out when you are needy. This can manifest itself in many different ways, but it all comes back to the same core principle: if you feel like you need emotional validation from a woman, it creeps her out.
What Makes You Creepy
Put simply, neediness is a feeling, rather than a specific action or thought. A lot of PUA communities talk about neediness and say that you should avoid it, but they don’t do a very good job of really explaining what it is, how it manifests, and where it comes from.
Neediness, in a nutshell, is when you desperately crave someone else’s approval. It’s when you NEED them to accept you, and you’ll do anything for it.
It’s when you have an unhealthy desire for others to accept you, because you aren’t comfortable with yourself. Since you can’t give yourself validation and confidence, you try to take it from others.
Neediness typically stems from a dysfunctional childhood—maybe Mommy didn’t pay enough attention to you, so now you try to resolve your mommy issues with the women in your life.
Or maybe you had an emotionally abusive childhood—it probably left you very insecure. This type of upbringing leads to someone seeking the love and validation that their parents should have given them in relationships with a significant other.
How Neediness Manifests
Like I said before, neediness can manifest in a few different ways:
- Being unclear in your intent
- Putting on a different persona
- Changing your opinions and beliefs
It all comes down to the same pattern, however: because you so desperately crave the validation of others, you’re willing to sacrifice your identity for it.
You’re willing to lie about an opinion, because you’re afraid it might offend a girl. You’re willing to act like a “bad boy,” because she said she likes bad boys. You’re too afraid to express your sexuality around her, because you think it might ruin the relationship.
Neediness comes down to not being able to simply express yourself. This is why women often get upset, because they want you to “just be yourself.” Funny enough, despite the fact that most of us interpret this the wrong way, it’s actually true to an extent.
I’ll give you a few examples to really drive this point home.
Example 1: Being Unclear In Your Intent
You see a really cute girl at a bar, but you’re very intimidated by her. So, instead of walking right up to her you just kind of “hover” around her for a few minutes, hoping she’ll open you.
She senses that you want something from her, but she doesn’t know what, because you’re unclear in your intent. You’re not making it clear what you want.
She can sense that you’re hiding something, and it creeps her the fuck out. So when you finally do work up the courage to open her, she blows you off. Then, you go home thinking it’s your bad opener and not your creepy vibe.
Example 2: Putting on a Different Persona
Now, this is different than expressing a different side of your personality. A charismatic guy can always sense what a girl is attracted to, and then channel that side of themselves. For example if she likes “nerdy,” guys, you can channel that side of yourself and talk about Dostoyevsky or whatever.
The difference, however, is that you should still have your own boundaries and a strong sense of self. When you put on a persona this all tends to go away.
Let’s say you’re at the bar and you see a girl. You open her, and start talking – she notices your “Led Zeppelin” shirt and talks about how she loves music. You mention how you were once a band manager for Nirvana, and she freaks the fuck out.
“OH MY GOD that’s awesome! What was it like?” Noticing her arousal, you start to play the “persona” of band manager. You act like someone you’re not.
“Yeah, it was pretty cool,” you say nonchalantly, even though you’re filled to the brim with excitement upon recalling your memories.
You start to act like nothing fazes you, like you’re this “cool band manager,” and she starts to sense that something is off. Maybe not at first, but eventually she’ll sense that you’re acting a certain way to gain her approval.
And she’ll be creeped out. “What the fuck?” she’ll think. “This guy has been acting differently than who he is for me?” She’ll be grossed out by this and will leave you, because it shows that you’re so heavily invested in her opinion of you, that you’re willing to act like someone you’re not for her emotional validation.
Example 3: Changing Your Opinions/Beliefs
Let’s say that you’re a very firm believer in gun control. You have a bumper sticker on the back of your car expressing this belief, and several glocks at home.
You run into a girl at one point, however, and you find out that she’s extremely liberal. She’s wearing a Hilary 2016 shirt, has dreadlocks, and is sporting a brand new pair of TOMS. But, because you want to get laid, when she asks you about gun control you go back on your own beliefs: “Yeah, I think that guns should be illegal.”
But, like most women, she’ll sense that something is off. It might not be enough to make her leave at first, but eventually she’ll sense that you’re willing to lie about your own thoughts and opinions, and it’ll creep her out.
She won’t even know who you are anymore, because you lie about who you are to her all of the time. “I bet if he met a Republican girl he’d be going on about how guns should be in every American household.” It’ll make her feel cheap, and weird—like you’ve pulled some sort of trick on her (which you did).
How to NOT Be Creepy
If being needy is what creeps women out, then being non-needy does the opposite: it draws women towards you. Being non-needy, just like neediness, comes down to a feeling.
Non-neediness is the feeling that you’re completely at ease with yourself, that you have core confidence, and you don’t have to change for anyone.
Now, don’t take this TOO FAR and interpret it as “do whatever the fuck you want without regard for any other living soul,” because it’s not the same thing. It’s simply acknowledging that you have boundaries and don’t need others to give you validation, because you’re a functional and secure man.
Just as neediness manifests itself when you’re unclear in your intent, willing to put on a persona, and change your beliefs for a girl, non-neediness manifests itself by doing the opposite.
Non neediness is:
- Being clear in your intent
- Saying what you truly feel and think
- Having firm beliefs and stances
- Not changing yourself for others’ approval
Here are the polar opposites (being non-needy) to the previous examples to help drive this point home:
Example 1: Being Clear in Your Intent
Just like before, say that you see a very gorgeous woman at the bar. But this time, you walk right up to her, and tell her straight to her face: “Wow, you’re absolutely stunning. My name’s Jon.”
Your odds of getting rejected are way less if you genuinely mean this. If you don’t genuinely mean it, you’re saying something you don’t really believe for the sake of her attention, aka being needy. So the key is to have your actions line up with your thoughts (aka you saw a hot girl and went and hit on her without shame).
When she hears you say this, a few thoughts cross her subconscious mind:
- “This guy is very confident, most guys would be too nervous to say that to me.”
- “He’s okay with rejection, because he’s putting himself out there.”
- “He probably has tons of girls chasing him…that’s why he’s so confident.”
- “…and this confident, secure player thinks I’m stunning? Wow.”
Obviously she might still reject you, but the odds of getting rejected if you genuinely communicate this to a girl coming from a place of non-neediness are far slimmer than before. Why? Because you’re just being yourself and expressing how you feel.
Example 2: Just Being Yourself
Just like before, say that you met a girl and started talking about how you were a band manager for Nirvana. But this time, instead of trying to put on the “cool band manager” persona, you just acted how the fuck you wanted to act.
“Yeah, it was an amazing experience,” you say. “I learned so much about life and got to travel the world.” The girl will sense that you’re being genuine, aka you’re not seeking a reaction from her or trying to impress her. You’re not being needy, you’re just being yourself.
Consequently, she’ll internalize that you’re a secure, confident man and will be much more attracted to you than before when you tried to “play it cool.”
Example 3: Having Firm Opinions/Beliefs
Again, say that you’re very pro-gun and you met a girl who is very liberal. But this time when she asks you for your stance on gun control, you tell her the truth. “Yeah, I think that everyone should own a gun. It’s good protection against people that want to do me harm.”
Maybe she’ll disagree with you and walk away, or maybe she’ll just disagree with you and continue talking and you’ll end up fucking her. Either way, it doesn’t matter, because you should never sacrifice your beliefs for women.
In fact, she’ll probably end up being more attracted to you when she sees that you just state what you believe and don’t really care if others agree or disagree.
This is why women can be both turned on and angry at you at the same time.
When you just state your opinions and beliefs without concern for what others will think of you, it’s incredibly sexy, because it shows you’re okay with yourself and don’t care if others judge you.
How to Cultivate Non-Neediness
So hopefully I’ve made it clear that neediness is very creepy and unattractive, and non-neediness is extremely sexy. If you don’t understand this yet, then re-read the article. If you do understand, however, here’s a few ways for you to start cultivating non-neediness:
1. Quit Porn and Masturbation
I’m probably going to write a whole article on this in the future, because it changed my life and I believe that it can change yours too, but here’s the gist of it. When you quit porn and masturbation, you’ll actually become incredibly non-needy over time. That’s why it’s one of my 7 Strategies to Develop Your Masculinity.
How does this cultivate non-neediness? Well, it actually doesn’t at first. At first you’ll be desperately horny and eager to fuck anything that moves, but after a while, you’ll start to develop some discipline and begin to control your urges.
You’ll start to realize that bitches really ain’t shit, because you’ll develop the ability to resist temptation (a huge factor in being non-needy). If you can resist temptation, girls will instantly find you more attractive. When she acts up and crosses your boundaries, you won’t be afraid of kicking her out of your life and she’ll sense this.
2. Invest In Yourself!
A big part of non-neediness is being more focused on yourself than others. Not in a bad way, but in the sense that you come first.
You can do this by investing in yourself—start cultivating hobbies that you enjoy. Maybe you’ve always wanted to play the guitar, but never got around to it. Start by checking out your local pawn shop’s collection, and maybe take some lessons.
Maybe you don’t read that much. Start buying books that will change your life. Buy books that give you new insights into women, life, fitness, and business. Maybe you work a 9-5 grind and want to escape it, but don’t know how. Start figuring out other ways that you can make money, and take action to get to the point where you can sustain yourself without a job.
In short, spend money on your own interests and self rather than trying to win girls over. Trust me, you don’t need to buy girls expensive dinners to win them over. In fact, doing that to show off your wealth actually does the opposite.
3. Design Your Dream Lifestyle
Lifestyle design is something that I’m extremely passionate about—there’s a reason that I have a whole section on Masculine Development dedicated to it.
When you figure out how to design an awesome lifestyle, women will naturally flock to you, because you’re not needy. Living an awesome life gets rid of neediness—when you take the time and effort to create a great life you start to realize that you don’t need anything from others. You can do everything yourself.
And when you realize this, women sense it—they sense that you’re confident in your own abilities and don’t seek to leech off of others. If you just figure out a way to do what you love and get paid doing it, you will start the process of eliminating neediness.
4. Learn to Pick Up Chicks
One of the most important aspects of eliminating neediness is developing game.
Why? It’s simple—if you’re fucking 15 different gorgeous women at the same time you aren’t going to be very needy. If one of them starts to treat you poorly or begins flaking on you, you’ll just cut her out of your life.
Again, that’s why I have a whole section on Masculine Development dedicated to game and dating advice—if you ever want to become non-needy you must develop game.
When you have good game you’ll naturally attract more women and higher quality women—this will eliminate any need you have for sex, making you far less needy.
5. Have a Purpose
As I’ve said before, when you have a deep sense of purpose everything naturally falls into place. Having a purpose will fill every action you take with direction and clarity of intent. When you see a pretty girl, you won’t have time to spend thinking whether or not you should approach her, because you’ll be too busy following your path.
For example—earlier today I was at the grocery store buying some Kombucha (a very healthy drink that boosts your immune system). I wanted to get in and get out, as fast as possible, so that I could come back and write this article. This was my purpose at the time.
I saw this sexy girl in the same aisle as me, and literally without hesitation I just walked up and told her:
“Hey, this is really random, and I have to go soon, but I saw you here and thought you were really sexy. What’s your name?”
She was immediately extremely turned on. Her eyes grew wide, she started blushing, and she couldn’t stop playing with her hair. “Haha, wow umm..my name’s Elaina.”
And like that, we started talking—I only spent a few minutes talking and got her number, but the point is I didn’t fuck around. I saw her, and I acted, because I was on my purpose.
If a man didn’t have a purpose, he probably would’ve just stayed there in the aisle pretending to think about what milk he was going to buy, while checking her out the whole time trying to build up the courage to talk to her. But I didn’t do that, because I was on a fucking mission to get my Kombucha and go write an article.
When you follow your path, day in and day out, you also build discipline and boldness. You become okay with yourself, and these all contribute to becoming non-needy.
Whether your purpose be building a business, raising a family, having fun, being the best skateboarder in the world, or whatever…the point is that you need a purpose if you wish to be non-needy.
Women love a man who has a purpose and is very decisive in attaining his goals.
I’ve given you the tools that you need to become non-needy. It isn’t going to be a walk in the park, and it certainly isn’t going to happen over night. Everyone wants the quick fix, the “magic pill,” nowadays, but let me tell you something—it doesn’t exist.
If you want to have an amazing love life, develop numerous relationships with gorgeous women, and feel fulfilled as a man, it will take effort. We aren’t taught these things by our fathers anymore, so it’s up to us to help ourselves.
Don’t complain, accept reality for what it is, and take massive action. If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to let me know. And, as always, I’ll see you next time.
What a wonderful teaching that we, modern young men need. Thanks a lot for sharing coz this was just what I was looking for.
Hurrah! At last I got a webpage from where I be able to actually obtain valuable information concerning my study and knowledge.
Wow.. really opens a door in my mind. I see what I’ve been putting out to the world at times.
I remember when I was focused and not concerned with self I felt so much more confident.. in those times ppl were drawn.. at other times when I was only into my own hangups…ppl would run.
Yep. Focus on how others are feeling, not how you are feeling.
Huge paradox though, because you need to be grounded in yourself and not change for others, but at the same time not become too self-conscious.
By the way, the same is true for feminine women. Do you agree? Mr. Jon.
And the main thing – stop thinking that getting woman is highest goal. It’s all peer pressure and losers way of thinking, “I need a girl so my friends don’t laugh that I don’t have any”.
Agreed – women won’t make you happy…
What if my mother abused the fucking shit out of me? I have understood that seeking validation only attracts more shit-spewing from others (be they male or female). So I do not seek approval at all.
But girls seem to HATE me a lot because of this…
Any possible way to solve this problem?
What’s probably going on is that you’re EXPECTING women to treat you poorly, without even realizing it. So, naturally, they pick up on this and do what you want. Whatever you expect from women, they will give you.
This was amazing. Not only did you deconstruct a phenomenon that all men experience, especially in their earlier years, but you also provided are stark contrast between the two paths – needy, or self-assured. Loved it.
Thanks man! Neediness is something that I’ve struggled a lot with in the past, so I thought that I’d share it with others in the hopes that they can improve their lives. 🙂