I recall walking around Washington, D.C. one afternoon, telling myself that I was going to do some day game.
“Alright, this is it Jon—no more fucking around. It’s time to learn game.” I got out of my car and trotted over to the nearest park where they were putting on some sort of music festival.
There was literally thousands of people all over the place, but I just walked around for an hour like a dummy. I could not work up the nerve to approach a girl. “That girl, there!” I’d tell myself. Then, as usual, I’d bitch out at the last minute. “FUCK!” Sound familiar?
Even after running to a nearby liquor store and pounding down some vodka, I STILL couldn’t work up the nerve to approach. “What gives?” I thought.
Getting over approach anxiety was one of the hardest things that I ever did…but paradoxically, it was also one of the easiest. Here’s why.
What Causes Approach Anxiety?
First things first, we should go over what causes approach anxiety.
In order to understand this, like many things, we need to go back to our primal roots—back when we were cave men and cave women.
Imagine that you stumble upon a nearby group of people—you don’t know any of them. You don’t know the women, the men, or the children.
Say that you have the courage to go talk to one of the girls, though, and she starts to like you and flirt with you. What would most likely happen?
The alpha male of the group would get angry that you were talking to his girl, and he’d bash you over the head with a fucking rock.
That’s all this is—an unconscious protection mechanism to stop you from talking to girls you don’t know, because they could have a bigger, stronger boyfriend who may not like you very much.
The #1 Cause of All This
Being decisive is perhaps one of the best ways to get over approach anxiety. Why? Because 80% of this is just you getting in your head and thinking about all of the shit that could go wrong.
When you take decisive action, you put an END to approach anxiety.
Do you know what my thought process is when I see a gorgeous woman at the club? It’s nonexistent. I just see her, and without thinking, I go up and start talking to her.
I’ve literally trained myself to not even think. Thinking is what fucks you up—when you see a girl, and start thinking, you immediately create this giant chain of thoughts that freezes you in your tracks:
- “Uhhh what do I say?”
- “What if she doesn’t like me?”
- “Oh, she’s with a guy—that must be her boyfriend.”
- “What if he beats me up?”
- Etc, etc, etc. and onto infinity.
But if you just TAKE ACTION, and don’t even think about it? You eliminate all of this completely. Trust me, once you learn to do this, you will eliminate 80% of your approach anxiety.
“So how do you train yourself to just take decisive action, Jon?” I can hear someone ask.
Approach Anxiety Drills
First off, I’d like to say that strategies #2, #3, and #4 in my eBook are specifically meant to develop the characteristic of decisiveness (among others). That being said, I’ll give you a few tips.
The first thing to understand is that decisiveness is a MINDSET, not a specific action. For example, some guys might go out and ask themselves: “Am I being decisive? Is this decisive?” but they’re asking the wrong question.
Decisiveness is a FEELING, it’s a way of BEING. It’s not just a specific action—the actions that you take are the result of decisiveness.
One way that you can cultivate this mindset of decisiveness is to take cold showers. When you take cold showers, every day you force yourself to do something you know will be uncomfortable (plus they boost your testosterone).
When you force yourself to step into that ice cold shower every day, you’re literally training your feet to just WALK without even thinking. If you start to think, you’re going to think things like:
- “Oh God, it’s going to be so cold.”
- “Jesus, I really don’t want to do this.”
- “Maybe I should just skip today.”
- “Why don’t I just turn the knob onto warm?”
But every day, you’re going to say “FUCK YOU,” to that voice and completely ignore it. You’re going to take DECISIVE action.
In other words, you’re training yourself not to think. You’re training yourself to act. This is the crux of being decisive, and it’s a huge factor in developing confidence in talking to women.
Take action, and the fear will go away.
Practical Advice & Tips
“Okay, Jon—this is all great advice, but how do I actually go out and do it? What are the steps?” I can hear someone ask.
The first thing to realize, is that you should not do daygame as a newbie. This is one of the biggest mistakes that beginners to the game make, for a multitude of reasons:
- There aren’t that many girls during the day
- People aren’t drunk
- It’s bright out, so everyone can see that you suck
- Girls aren’t as emotionally charged up
- And more
Basically, when you’re starting off and trying to get good at game, you want to only do approaches during the night.
This can be at parties, bars, night clubs, or whatever—and after all of the night clubs shut down around 3AM (depending on what city you’re in), do street game and hit up all of the people walking around on the street.
There’s a number of reasons for this, but basically it’s because everyone is in a much more outgoing mood, they’re drunk, and because of all the stuff going on around you, girls won’t really take that much notice if you’re really creepy.
4 Steps to Beat Approach Anxiety
Okay, so now that you’ve figured out where you’re going to go and learn game at, it’s time to go through this step by step. First, before you go out, consider using game-enhancing drugs like kratom, phenibut, or alcohol.
I realize that this is a very controversial opinion in the PUA community, and for good reason—if you’re going out very frequently, which you should be if you want to learn game, you can’t be using substances that often.
But, I think that at first, sometimes it can be a great tool to use in order to get over the initial approach anxiety. Whatever you decide to do, however, just be sure to be responsible.
Okay, now here’s what you’re going to do:
- Park Your Car
- Approach On The Way
- Approach At The Venue
- Screen Hard & Pull
Obviously it’s a little bit more complicated than that, but this is the basic strategy that I use. Here’s a little bit more information on why I do these things.
Step 1. Park Your Car
The first step, is quite obviously, to get to the venue. If you’re taking an Uber, you can skip directly to step 2.
It can be helpful to visualize your success while you’re waiting in your car—vividly imagine all the hot girls you’re going to talk to.
Most importantly, visualize it going WELL. Imagine them flirting with you, giving you indicators of interest, and going home with you.
This trains your subconscious mind to get over its fear of rejection, AKA anxiety over approaching. It sounds cheesy, but it works well.
Step 2. Open People On The Way
One of the biggest mistakes I see guys making, is they don’t approach girls on the way to the venue.
When you “go out” you need to get in the mindset of approaching… so while you’re walking to the bar or club, approach some girls.
It doesn’t matter if they’re ugly or hot—just get in the habit of approaching. This will help you build social momentum, so it’s easier to approach while you’re actually at the club.
Step 3. Open Girls At The Venue
Now, the moment we’ve all been waiting for… approaching at the actual nightclub you’re going to. This will probably be the hardest part.
If you followed steps 1 and 2, however, it won’t be that difficult. It’s always the first approach that’s the hardest, so once you get that out of the way, approaching girls will be a piece of cake.
At the venue, don’t wait a SECOND before approaching. You should always approach, and calibrate AFTER the fact.
In other words, don’t tell yourself a bunch of lame excuses:
- “She looks busy”
- “She probably has a boyfriend”
- “That guy with her looks mean”
Just approach her, and deal with these things AFTER you approach her. You don’t even know if these things are true or not until you actually talk to her.
Step 4. Screen Hard & Pull
Now, the best part—getting laid. If you want to know how to get laid fast, there’s a simple concept you need to understand: screening.
Seriously, this concept will change your life. All you do is you screen her hard, to determine how sexually available she is.
Most of the time when a girl rejects you, it’s not because of YOU, it’s because of some other factor in her life:
- She has to get up early
- She’s got a boyfriend
- Her friend from out of town is staying with her
Once you realize this, you will get over your fear of rejection. Most rejection is really never personal, as cheesy and cliché as that sounds.
To screen a girl, just learn about her logistics. If she’s there with friends, it’ll be harder to pull her than if she’s alone. Girls who go out alone are usually looking for some dick (not always, though).
If she flirts with you, that’s a good sign she’s into you. Read some of my guides on how to pull girls, and follow the advice therein.
You’ll be getting laid in no time.
Gaining Social Momentum
Social momentum is a huge deal when you’re trying to overcome approach anxiety. Have you ever noticed that it’s your first approach of the day that sucks, but each one after that gets easier? That’s social momentum.
See, there’s two sides of your brain: the left and the right. The left is the logical, analytical side that’s engaged for most of the day; it’s responsible for thinking logically, and is essential for reading really great red-pilled books, building a business, or whatever else.
The right side, however, is the emotional side that you use when you socialize—after a long day of working and using your “left brain,” it can sometimes be hard to switch over to your “right brain.” This is why it’s the first few approaches that are the hardest.
This is also why I want you to approach non-stop as a newbie. Once you become more advanced, you can pick and choose your approaches, but the best thing to do as a newbie (to overcome approach anxiety) is to just APPROACH!
Approaching girls on the way to the club starts getting you some social momentum. It tells your brain: “Oh. I just approached those girls, and some guy with a rock didn’t kill me. Maybe I can approach more!”
It “sets the stage,’ so to speak, of the night. Now, be careful—obviously if you’re walking out of a secluded parking garage on the way to the club, you don’t want to approach some girl there. She’ll get freaked the fuck out and think you’re a serial killer trying to kidnap her or something. Use some common sense.
If you’re on a crowded street on the way to the club, though? I’m sure there’s a ton of girls there who you can approach. Then, by the time you get to the club, you’ll be in the “social mood,” and it won’t feel too difficult to approach women.
I get asked about this topic a lot. How to approach a girl I like, how do I get good at doing this, is it a skill set I can develop, and much more.
Here’s a few common questions that tons of guys have when it comes to approaching and talking to random girls on the street. Enjoy.
How to Beat Approach Anxiety
The only way to beat this is to just get out there and start practicing—this is important, because you should know it’s a skill that can be built.
Nobody is born a genius when it comes to flirting and chatting up women, everyone has to practice to develop this skill. The sooner you realize this, the sooner you’ll be free from your own fear.
This is something you can get GOOD at, but it takes time and practice—don’t beat yourself up if you don’t master it and pick up some girl on day 1.
Drills & Programs to Get Over It
I get asked about AA drills a lot, and in my experience, it’s best to start out small. Start by just building a little connection with cashiers at stores.
Just talk to them, and chat them up. Try to make them laugh, but do not try to get their numbers though. Just get used to this conversation skill.
Then, try asking 2-3 girls a day where the nearest bar in town is. Tell them you’re not from here if they ask. Get your answer, then walk away.
Then, slowly move onto asking out 5 new girls a day. Then 10, then 15, then 20, until eventually you’re asking for their numbers like natural.
The Bottom Line
I could write an entire book on approach anxiety, but ultimately it comes down to just taking decisive action and learning to “warm up” on the way to the club.
Just doing these things will drastically reduce your approach anxiety—but remember, you have to actually do them. Don’t just read this article and then forget about everything in a few minutes. Actually do it.
You’ll find that as you go out more and more, your “base level” of approach anxiety (when you first go out) will start to lessen. It won’t ever go away 100%, but it will become extremely manageable.
If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns, let me know…as always, I’ll see you next time.