I talk a lot about being decisive and assertive on my blog, and how these characteristics are good when it comes to attracting women.
Women want a man who’s confident, and isn’t afraid to escalate things sexually; they want a man who’s decisive, and who takes action. They want a man who takes the lead.
But, as with most things in game, there’s a lot of nuance involved—for example, when I’m going up to a woman in a club and approaching her, yes I am extremely decisive and assertive.
Yes, I grab her by the hand, spin her around, and sometimes go in for an instant kiss, BUT all the while, I’m scanning her body language to see if I’m making her feel uncomfortable or awkward.
Ideally, you need to strike a balance between being assertive and taking the lead, while also being very receptive and in touch with what the woman is feeling. Why do I talk so much about being assertive and decisive, then?
Well, because most men don’t have a problem with being too assertive. Most men have a problem with not being assertive enough! So I hammer home on this point, in an attempt to get men to be as assertive as they should be.
But—keep in mind that you should always be scanning her body language and facial expressions to see if she’s uncomfortable. If at any point you make her feel awkward or weird, back up for a second.
This is what separates a newbie trying to learn game from an intermediate in the game: empathy. Experts at game are always aware of what the girl is feeling, because that’s basically how you get them attracted to you.
Learning to tell when you do something that makes a woman feel uncomfortable is an invaluable skill, for two main reasons:
First off, when you can tell if you’re making her uncomfortable, it allows you to calibrate—if you got in too close, you can back up. If you went in for a kiss too soon, you can back up and try again later. If you tried to hug her and it was awkward, you can back up and continue talking.
In addition to this, girls will actually like you MORE when they see that you’re attuned to what they’re feeling.
There’s a term in the PUA community known as “gorilla game.” It’s kind of an inside joke, but this is basically what every single newbie does. Gorilla game is where you’re just assertive and decisive as fuck to the point of it being comical.
For instance, a newbie might read about being decisive on my blog, and think: “Okay cool, I’ll be decisive as fuck bro.” Then he’ll go out and every single girl he sees, he’ll grab her by the arm, pull her in, and say: “HEY what’s your name?!”
Now, what makes this so tricky for the newbie, is that this type of game works…sometimes. A lot of girls will be turned on by the sheer assertiveness and decisiveness that he displays, but do you know what?
A lot of girls will be creeped the fuck out.
Tons of women will be at the club, enjoying the company of their girlfriends, when suddenly a beady-eyed newbie grabs their hand, jerks them in, and yells: “HEY WHAT’S YOUR NAME,” while menacingly staring at them.
“Eww, what the fuck,” she’ll think—and she’ll quickly remove herself from the situation. Again, here’s what’s key though: because not every girl reacts like this, and because enough girls get turned on by this, the newbie goes on thinking that this is what game is.
I’m not talking down on gorilla game, because a lot of newbies don’t know any better; it’s fucking hard to balance assertiveness with empathy! That shit takes practice! But, that’s game for you; you’re not going to learn it overnight.
Let’s contrast this example with a more intermediate approach.
Eventually, after learning to be decisive and assertive, you’ll also learn to be empathetic towards what a girl is feeling—in other words, you’ll learn to resolve the first paradox of game: being assertive, yet respecting her feelings.
This is when girls will actually start to chase you, because they realize that you’re not just some sexually aggressive “douchebag,” but rather a guy with game who respects her feelings.
Let me give you an example. A while back, I was at a pretty big house party—there must’ve been 100 people or so there. I was spitting some game on this short, sexy blonde girl with an amazing body.
My opener? I just went over, held my hand up for a high five, then grabbed her hand, spun her around, and went in for the kiss—she made out with me for a solid 3 seconds before realizing what had happened.
She pushed me away, and I stopped kissing her. “Hahaha oh my god, who are you!?” Interestingly enough girls actually say this all the time to me (that’s what happens when your game is good).
After talking for a while, I grabbed her by the hand and pulled her outside to “get some fresh air.” While I grabbed her hand and moved her upstairs, I was constantly checking to make sure she wasn’t pulling back or trying to get away.
She wasn’t, so we got outside, and ran into some of her friends. After running some verbal game on her friends to win them over, I started teasing the girl I wanted.
Again, I picked her up, spun her around, and as I spun her around, I noticed how amazing her ass was. “Woah, your friend has a nice ass. Smack it!” I yelled at the girl’s friends.
They smacked it, and the girl I was holding started cracking up: “hahaha oh my god put me down,” she yelled while laughing, so I put her down and proceeded to motorboat her tits.
As I was motorboating her tits, I saw for a brief second a look of discomfort on her face, so I immediately stopped, backed away, and literally turned in the opposite direction. Just this little movement powerfully communicated two things:
And she saw this in an instant. She immediately ran at me and gave me a giant hug, with her head pressed against my chest. Why did she do this? Again, it’s because I was assertive, and highly confident in myself, but I also respected her boundaries.
Whenever I approach women at bars, clubs, parties, or wherever it may be, I’m always checking to see how they’re feeling. Are they laughing and playing with their hair? Okay great, that’s a sign that they’re attracted to me and that I can take it a step further.
Do they seem tense? Are they backing away? Then that’s a sign I should slow down or stop escalating completely. Sometimes if I can tell that a girl isn’t interested, I’ll slow down and keep talking to build more comfort, and then try escalating again later.
If that doesn’t work, sometimes I’ll just go find another girl. Ultimately, you have to learn from experience—there’s been plenty of times that I’ve pulled girls from sheer gorilla game, but the hottest girls typically don’t respond well to this.
Why? Because literally every other douchebag is going up to her yelling “AYYO WHADDUP GIRL WHAT’S YO NAME,” and being super aggressive. Obviously when this happens multiple times a day to a girl, she’s going to just shut it out.
That’s where being calibrated comes in. Calibration is the idea that you’re highly aware of what’s going on in a social interaction.
Calibration is what separates the newbies at game from the guys who are actually half-decent. Let me give you an example to clarify.
Jerry sees some hot brunette girl at his local night club, and decides to walk up to her. He’s been doing a good workout routine for a while, so he’s pretty jacked. He’s been working on his style, he has a great haircut, and he’s wearing cologne that smells like sex.
In other words, his appearance is very impressive. But, as you’ll see, appearance alone doesn’t land you women.
So, when he goes up to this hot girl, and starts talking to her, she’s pretty receptive. Jerry uses “gorilla game,” though, so he’s extremely sexually aggressive. He grabs her by the hand, and says “Hey, let’s go dance!” and she complies.
In fact, she likes it that he’s taking the lead; so they go dance. After dancing for a while, he grabs her by the hand and says: “Let’s go get some fresh air,” and again, she likes that he’s taking the lead, so they go outside.
Up to this point, Jerry’s gorilla game has worked pretty well—but here’s where it usually starts to falter.
This girl is thinking of going home with Jerry, but she’s not sure. She wants to talk to her friends and see what they think (this is huge for women, they care a lot about their friends’ opinions). So, she tells Jerry: “Hey, let me go find my friends real quick.”
Jerry, not realizing what this means, thinks she’s trying to ditch him. “No, it’s cool, let’s go get pizza.” He grabs her by the hand and tries to pull her away, and she starts to get really uncomfortable. She pulls back a bit, and says: “Umm no, I’m fine.”
Do you see what happened? She basically just communicated to Jerry: “Hey, I want to fuck you but let me see what my friends think.” Jerry was too dumb to see this, and he didn’t respect the fact that she wanted to talk to her friends, so he just kept trying to be assertive.
Then, Jerry thinks that she’s “playing hard to get,” or something, so he tries to fix it by being even more aggressive: “Haha, nah it’s cool I love this pizza place, come check it out with me.” And, of course, this only makes her feel even more awkward. “What the hell?” she thinks.
“I wanted to sleep with this guy, but he’s so aggressive…umm, I think I’ll pass.” And like that, she walks away.
Jon, because he did my game immersion period, understands the nuances of game. He understands that you have to be confident and assertive, but also receptive to a woman’s needs. He understands that there’s a time to be aggressive, but a time to be gentle and empathetic.
So, when he approaches the same girl, it looks the same. They start talking, and Jon realizes that now is the time to be assertive: “Come dance with me!” he says, as he grabs her by the hand and pulls her to the dance floor.
Then, after dancing for a while, again Jon realizes that it’s time to be assertive: “It’s so hot, let’s get some fresh air.” And again, the girl likes him taking the lead, so she follows. Up to now, being assertive has been the right move.
Then, as they’re waiting outside, the girl says the same thing that she said to Jerry: “Hey, let me go find my friends real quick.”
But, this time, because Jon actually has game, he says: “Yeah sure! Where are they?” She tells him that they’re inside by the bar, so he grabs her by the hand and helps guide her through the crowds of people to her friends.
This accomplishes two things:
In other words, Jon actually has empathy, sees WHY she wants to talk to her friends, and acts like a man by leading her to her friends.
Then, Jon meets their friends—they all talk, Jon is completely congruent in his words, and they can tell that he’s a cool guy. So, they all ask Jon if they can talk for a second. Jon, knowing that this obviously means they’re going to give their friend approval to go home with him, says yes.
The girls finish talking, and the hot brunette that Jon was interested in comes back with a big smile on her face. Jon knows what this means, and recognizes that NOW is the time to be assertive: “Hey, let’s go get some pizza!”
He grabs her by the hand, ends up getting pizza with this girl, and then they go back to his place and fuck. Done and done.
“So wait, you’re telling me that I shouldn’t be aggressive?” I can hear someone ask. No, quite the opposite—if you want to get girls, you have to be the one that initiates the sexual interaction. You have to take the lead, you have to be assertive, and you have to be a man.
What I’m saying, however, is that there’s a time to be assertive and a time to be empathetic. This is why newbies get so confused with game.
Newbies want a very clear cut plan to getting girls, but the fact of the matter is that it’s not that simple. You can learn the principles of game as much as you want, but until you actually go out there and approach women, you won’t learn the correct ways to APPLY them.
Do you see the major distinction here? Jerry was still using the principles of game—he was being assertive, grabbing her by the hand, assuming that she was interested, and so on and so forth. But, he didn’t get the pull, because he didn’t know WHEN to be assertive.
He was assertive, when he should have been empathetic and more in tune with what she was feeling. This is one of the many reasons why you must be always asking yourself: “What is she feeling?”
In fact, some pickup artists far better than me (I’m talking guys with like decades of experience) have said that newbies focus on “my feelings, her actions,” whereas advanced guys focus on “my actions, her feelings.”
Always remember that you should be constantly scanning a girl to see if she’s comfortable with what you’re doing. If she’s not, then you need to re-assess.
I realize that this can all be kind of confusing for guys trying to learn game; it can be very difficult learning when to be assertive vs. when to be receptive to her needs, so I’m going to help you out. Typically, here’s what happens when I go up to a girl:
This is by no means a comprehensive guide, but do you see the general flowchart? Open → dancing → outside → my place.
But, the thing to keep in mind, AGAIN, is this: always be checking to see if she’s not interested. The last thing you want is to make a girl feel weirded out, and have the bouncers beat you up and get kicked out.
Telling when a girl isn’t interested is honestly more of an art than it is a science. It can be very confusing for men a lot of the time, because sometimes they ARE interested, but just cant show it or they’ll be judged as being a “slut” by society.
Typically, however, there’s a few very reliable indicators that she isn’t interested:
Obviously this isn’t a comprehensive list, but here’s the point: just go out and get experience. Eventually you’ll become more calibrated and you’ll learn to tell when women are or aren’t interested; it’s more of an art than it is a science. That’s why they call it the art of seduction.
If a girl exhibits these signs, either back up and slow down, or stop completely.
Sometimes she’s just nervous, because you’re moving too fast—sometimes women like a guy, but they just want him to slow down so that they can get to know him. Other times, they’re not interested at all, and want nothing to do with you.
It’s on you to decide which one is going on. Very rarely do I encounter women that are just flat out disgusted by me, because I put in a lot of work on my appearance. Mostly, they just want to get to know me better. In this scenario, I slow things down, and maybe try escalating again later, but only when I can tell that they’re attracted to me.
I realize that this is a lot to understand, but believe me, it’s only the tip of the iceberg. It’s only scratching the surface. Eventually I’ll release an eBook or video course on game, but I want to live in Las Vegas for at least a year and perfect my game, before I do that.
Game is truly an art; there’s at least a dozen different paradoxes like this, and if you want to end up with a thriving sex/social life, it’s best that you learn all of them. Here’s a few more paradoxes to whet your appetite:
Personally, I fucking love these paradoxes. I love looking at life (and game) from nuanced perspectives, because here’s the truth: anyone who tries to tell you that you can get girls by following some simple technique, is lying.
If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns, feel free to leave them down below. And, as always…I’ll see you next time.
Jon Anthony is a dating coach, fitness expert, and self-improvement guru. He dropped out of college to start Masculine Development in 2015, and has since been self-employed, helping men across the world achieve their best lives. You can best reach him on social media, or via email for questions.