When I first started learning game, I remember how infuriating it was.
I thought I was doing everything correctly! I was following all of the advice that other men gave me, but for some reason, it just didn’t seem to work.
I’m sure you know what I’m talking about. It’s that feeling of hopelessness, where you’re just wondering if you should give up. Is something wrong with you? Maybe, but most likely not.
Most likely, you’re just making one of these five critical errors, any of which will prevent you from getting laid.
1. You’re Too Outcome Dependent
“Hold on, Jon—you’re saying that caring TOO MUCH about sex can stop me from getting laid? Isn’t your notch count in the triple digits, though?”
Yes, and yes. I know it may seem contradictory, but bear with me for a second…it will all make sense very soon. See, while most men only care about sex, women are a little bit different.
Men are primarily attracted to visual cues—in other words, a woman’s appearance turns us on. Obviously there’s other factors that come into play, like her feminine energy, her personality, and everything else, but men care a lot about how a girl looks.
Women, on the other hand, care more about a man’s IMAGE…big difference. They care about WHO he is, more so than WHAT he looks like. They care about the connection that they have with a man. They care about whether or not they feel safe with him.
They want to know if he’s confident or not, they want to know what his fears are…they want to know WHO HE IS. So if you only ever try to have sex with a woman, without engaging in any sort of meaningful conversation, you probably won’t get laid as much as you like.
Sure, you’ll get laid a good amount. Hell, when I first started learning game I only showed women my sexual side. I didn’t talk much, I wasn’t very vulnerable, and I was extremely sexually assertive…and it worked, to an extent.
But I’ve found that balancing BOTH my desire to have sex, AND my desire to express myself and figure out whether or not she’s a woman I’m interested in emotionally has yielded much better results. I could write an entire post on this, and maybe I will, but for now, take the tip for what it is.
2. You Don’t Approach Enough Women
Back in the early 2000’s when the PUA community first emerged, guys used to have this thing called the “batting average.” It was basically the ratio of women you talked to vs. women you ended up having sex with.
…and it was one of the dumbest fucking things I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Why? Well, for many reasons, but primarily because it ignores one fundamental principle of game.
Getting laid is a numbers game, plain and simple. You will have to approach literally thousands of women before you start to get good at this.
So by hiding behind a “batting average,” guys were able to mask their fear. “Haha, losers, my batting average is 1.0! I’ve never struck out!” some guy would say. But what this doesn’t reveal, is that he only ever had sex with one girl in his entire life.
I don’t know about you, but I’d rather have a batting average of .001, but sleep with 1 new girl a week. Who cares how many girls you have to talk to? Not every girl is going to be interested in you, and you shouldn’t WANT them all to be interested in you.
Some girls are vain, some are shallow, some are just plain stupid. You want to find the ‘cream of the crop,’ and you do this by talking to TONS of women, until you find the ones that you have chemistry with.
When you go out and practice your game, you should be rapid-fire approaching women. Talk to the first girl you see. Doesn’t work out? Cool, move to the next one. She hates you? Cool, move to the next one. Do this until you find one that you like.
When I first got into game, I relied pretty much entirely on cold approach pickup to get new lays. I’d go out during the night and during the day, and just strike up conversations with random girls and get their numbers.
After a while, however, I realized that I was missing out on one of the biggest goldmines when it comes to getting girls—your lifestyle.
I don’t care how good looking you are, how much money you make, or how much game you have…if you’re employed in the middle of Alaska doing IT work, or if you’re on a barracks in Iraq somewhere, you will not be getting laid.
That ugly, fat guy, who’s kind of weird, but that works as a bartender in Las Vegas, though? He’ll be getting more ass than you can imagine. Always remember this, boys: women are attracted to men who live fun, adventurous, exciting lifestyles.
Fill your life with cool hobbies that you enjoy. Learn how to DJ, start playing the guitar and performing in local coffee shops, get some friends who you love to go dirt biking with, or become a bungee jumping instructor. It doesn’t really matter—just fill your life with fun stuff, and the women will come.
In fact, I wrote a whole article on how to build an attractive lifestyle, because it’s just that important. Not only will it get new women coming into your life, but it’s also great for keeping them coming back…which brings me to my next point.
4. Your Retention Rate is Too Low
Having a constant trickle of new girls into your life is just as important as retaining the good ones. You don’t want to always be meeting new girls, sometimes you want to cultivate relationships with existing girls.
It took me FOREVER to learn how to do this, because I had a really hard time being emotionally vulnerable with women. But, once I started opening up, and developing deeper connections with women, I found that they started sticking around more.
Ideally you want to have a stream of new leads coming in each week, and then you can choose your favorite girls to keep hanging out with.
Think of it like this. I aim to sleep with 2-3 new girls a week, and usually do, but I still have a solid 4-5 girls that I really like sleeping with and hanging out with. They’re the girls that will come cook me breakfast, come watch a movie with me, go to the gym with me, or just come talk.
This way, you never get too deprived of sex or too lonely, and you get the best of both worlds—tons of sex, but also more intimate connections. If you’re just starting off with game, don’t worry about this one as much yet, but if you’ve been at it for a year or so, this is definitely something to consider.
Create a “rotation,” of cool girls that you enjoy spending time with, and pepper in some new ones, too. Some of the solid girls who you usually hang out with may flake, they may get a boyfriend, or they may stop being interested in you…that’s fine, and it’s why you need a constant trickle of new women to replace them.
5. Your Identity is Too Weak
Women want a man who has a firm sense of self. They want a man who knows who he is, on a very deep level, and won’t change his opinions, personality, or feelings for anyone else.
When a man lacks integrity, and is dishonest through his actions and words, women become extremely turned off, because they sense that he’s flaky. They sense that he’s flimsy and that he doesn’t really stand for anything.
This is why women will often test men—they want to see if you’re congruent to who you are. Do you act confident? Prepare to have women test you to see just how confident you are.
When women say that they hate “nice guys,” what they really mean is they hate men who just agree for the sake of agreeing. They want a man with a rock-solid frame, who doesn’t change himself just to fit in or be liked.
As an example, I voted for Donald Trump in the American election of 2016. I have Trump stickers around my house, and sometimes when I have women come over, they’ll notice them. Some girls like it, but many are shocked.
“Oh my God, how could you vote for Donald Trump?! Did you ACTUALLY?!” they’ll ask. Most guys would shy away, and sheepishly lie about how “it’s a joke,” or something like that. I don’t, though. I’m very upfront about my political opinions, and even if women vehemently disagree with them, they usually end up being even more attracted to me.
Why? Again, because they sense I’m just being who the fuck I am. I’m not bullshitting them, I’m not lying, and I’m not manipulating. I have a very firm sense of identity, and they can appreciate it—that’s what women mean when they say “just be yourself.”
They don’t mean be a nice guy pushover, they mean be confident in who you are. Own your opinions, own your beliefs, own your emotions, and own your identity.