One of the questions I get asked most is something like “what do I talk about with a girl,” or “I don’t know what to say to girls.” It’s funny, because every time I see this question, I recognize the profound irony and truth to it.
How does that saying go again? That men are from Mars and women are from Venus—they speak two completely different languages, which is why so many men are left calling women crazy and so many women are left calling men dumb.
The truth of the matter is that it isn’t so much the things you talk about with a girl, but more so the way that you talk about them. Make sense? If not, keep reading…
Many men struggle with things to talk about with a girl, because they don’t understand the “magic key,” to make everything and anything interesting to women, and hell, even people. As ridiculous as this sounds, just learning this one “magic key” will help you turn any boring old conversation into something absolutely captivating.
“I want you to talk to the wall,” he said. I was in a seminar room with about 50 men, and we were all hanging on our instructor’s every word. “I want you to talk to the wall about what you did today. Don’t stop talking, and make it as interesting as possible.”
All 50 of us made a perimeter around the room and faced the wall; then, we were off, talking about our car rides to the seminar, what we had for lunch, and other seemingly monotonous topics. Many of us struggled to continue coming up with things to say—after all, just how much could you talk about to a fucking wall?
“Alright, that’s enough,” he said. Everyone went back to their seats, and as the instructor walked back up to the center of the stage, he asked us a single question: “How was it?” Needless to say, he probably knew the answer. We all had a pretty difficult time, seeing that, you know, we were talking to a wall.
Then, that’s where he dropped the “magic key” on us, though. He started rambling on and on and on, and despite the seeming incoherence and randomness of what he was saying, the entire room was completely captivated. What the hell? What was going on?
“Do you guys see what I just did there?” he asked. None of us understood, but then in a single moment, with a single sentence, he dropped the most reality-shattering, paradigm-upgrading epiphany on us that we’d ever heard. “It’s not what you say. It’s how you say it.”
If you look around online, you’ll bump into dozens of articles on Gentleman’s Quarterly, Men’s Health, and other typical mainstream websites with titles like the following:
…and, like most online advice, it’s complete bullshit. These websites aren’t necessarily bad, per say, but they make their money off of giving mainstream advice, and in order for advice to be mainstream, it has to be politically correct, dumbed down, and incredibly narrow-minded.
The fact of the matter is that men are generally captivated by things, whereas women are generally captivated by people. Once you begin to understand this underlying principle of male vs. female conversation, you’ll understand why you’ve had such a hard time coming up with things to talk about with a girl, and how to fix it.
See it isn’t that there’s necessarily good or bad topics to talk about with women. Yeah, sure, there’s some things that you might want to avoid just because they’re controversial or maybe the mood isn’t right to discuss them yet, but more often than not, it’s not what you say it’s how you say it.
As I said before, men are generally captivated by things, whereas women are generally captivated by people. This stems from millions of years of evolution, in which women had to take care of infants, which is an incredibly demanding job. It makes sense that their biology would hard wire them to be more social and emotional.
Likewise, men are generally captivated by things and objects, because millions of years of evolution forced us to become good with tools to survive. The entire human race only got to where it is, arguably, due to the fact that we can use tools more effectively than any other creatures.
So applying this concept to conversation, this is why when men converse with each other, it tends to be with an end goal in mind. Your goal is to exchange logistical information, or maybe to discuss some idea you both have. With women however, they typically converse just to share emotions and enjoy one another.
Obviously there’s exceptions to this, no shit—but statistically across groups, this is what the literature says. So with this in mind, why do you think that men typically call women crazy, and women typically call men dumb? Most miscommunications between the sexes result in these insults.
Men often call women crazy, because to our logical minds, the whirlwind of their emotions seem absolutely crazy. Yet to women, our rigid, A to B analysis often seems “dumb” and incapable of understanding the complexities and nuances of holistic wisdom of emotions. This is where 99% of miscommunications between sexes come from.
As I said before, it’s not so much the particular things you talk about with a girl; it’s how you talk about them. This is why a lot of the time guys look at pickup artists and dudes who have really good game, and they literally just look like they’re being fucking retarded.
They’re just rambling on about random bullshit and getting excited over the most stupid nonsense, and guys can’t seem to understand why the girls are eating it up. Again, this is, generally speaking, because with girls it’s about the emotions that you convey, about the things you’re talking to her about.
Let’s take two examples in which we’re discussing the same topic of a hobby you’re into. Most guys have hobbies that they’re into, and if not I suggest you pick one and get good at it. Cool hobbies like playing the guitar, computer programming, treasure hunting, or whatever-the-fuck-else floats your boat, are a great way to be a well-rounded person.
So say that you’re talking to a girl about one of your hobbies, take playing the guitar. Most guys would say something like “Yeah, I’ve been playing for 8 years,” or something like that. Okay cool dude, that’s literally what everyone says—and it’s not very emotionally captivating.
What if you said something like this, though: “Yeah, I started when my Uncle got me into Led Zeppelin…ever since then, I’ve been obsessed with classical guitar. Just the way that it creates such a beautiful and mysterious ambiance is so cool.” That’s a hell of a lot more interesting, no?
The key to understand though, is that the first example is information focused; you state how long you’ve been playing, and that’s it. The second however, is emotion focused; you state what person got you started, the music you like, and the mood it creates. Do you see the difference?
Another thing you can do to be more interesting, is simply SAY MORE. When asked a question, far too many people answer it in the most mundane, boring way possible—so obviously both women and men aren’t going to find this very captivating, but especially women.
When someone asks me: “What do you do?” I don’t give some boring ass answer like “I’m a blogger.” No—even the most boring answer I would give to that would be something like “I make money online,” or “I’m an entrepreneur.” It creates an opportunity to further the discussion, and it creates an opportunity for them to inquire more.
Simply learning to say more and not filter yourself is another “magic key” with things to talk about with a girl. Remember, anything you can talk about with passion, emotion, and interest, by the law of state transference, will make HER feel interested and passionate.
Imagine two conversations, both are with a director or documentary film maker. Which do you think a girl, and most people for that matter, would find more interesting?
Obviously most people (especially women) are going to find the second more interesting, because it’s emotion oriented rather than thing oriented. The first one is very thing oriented, because it focuses on facts rather than perceptions. The length of the lens, the type of camera, and all of that junk.
The second however, is going to be far more captivating, because it’s emotion oriented. It focuses on the artist’s perception of the ocean, it names a famous location, it paints a picture with colors and lights, and it just screams “I’m passionate.”
One great exercise that you can do to help you come up with more things to talk about with a girl, and to be more interesting, is called “The Wall.” It’s the exercise that I touched upon earlier in the article, and it’s the article that I recommend you do before you go out clubbing or “sarging” as they used to call it.
The whole idea behind “The Wall” exercise, is that it trains you to generate your own emotions, and to speak with passion despite zero external feedback. Not only is this very helpful for learning how to never run out of things to talk about with a girl, but it’s also great because it mimics how a lot of hot girls will act in a club.
Very frequently, hot girls will give you what’s sometimes called the “hot girl blase,” where they act completely indifferent to what you’re saying. This is an unconscious way that women test men, to see if they’ll get all butthurt and mad, or if they’ll just be cool and keep enjoying themselves. It’s a test of their emotional fortitude.
I recommend you do “The Wall” exercise every day for at least a month when you’re first starting out, as this will facilitate the creation of new neural networks in your brain. Set a timer for two minutes, and just talk to the wall. Talk about everything. Talk about what you did that day, what you want to do in the future, talk about whatever the hell you feel like talking about. Just don’t stop talking.
Another key principle of never running out of things to talk about with a girl, and with people in general, is learning how to free associate. Most conversation is typically very logical—it follows a set pattern of A to B. What you’ll find is that guys who are very charismatic often do the opposite of this.
They’re able to go from one topic to another, like it’s a breeze—whereas the more analytical, logical, left-brain types (like myself) prefer to go deep on a narrow topic. This is also known as being “nerdy,” and it has its advantages and disadvantages. When it comes to casual conversation out at the club though, you want to be right brain dominant.
Learn to free associate and talk about a wide variety of things. A good exercise to practice this is where you set a timer for 2 minutes and simply say whatever the fuck you want without any filter whatsoever. Literally anything, it doesn’t matter if it makes zero sense.
“Aliens are abducting me, and I’m eating Starbucks while a moose took a shit on my bike,” it doesn’t matter what the hell you say, the idea is to just unstifle yourself and get out of your own head. Too many guys filter what they’re going to say, and ask themselves if it’s “good enough,” which is the opposite of free association.
Now this doesn’t mean to be a complete ADD spaz when you’re out at XS in Vegas—obviously there’s still social conventions to follow. Yet even so, you’re better off being an emotionally engaging and interesting spaz than a boring, left-brain dominant type who asks the typical swathe of questions like “so, what do you do?” and “so, where are you from?”
As with most things on this blog, I barely grazed the surface here. There’s a ton of different directions I could take this article in, and I could probably write an entire book on this topic. That being said, these are some of the best tips I know of to never run out of things to talk about with a girl
Do “The Wall” exercise every single day for as long as it takes for you to feel comfortable going on and on and on in a way that conveys passion, emotion, and interest. Also consider doing the “Free Association” exercise every day if you have trouble doing “The Wall” exercise.
Another great tip to never running out of things to talk about with a girl is to just stop judging yourself. Lower the bar for what is “acceptable” to say, and assume that what you say is cool, interesting, and valuable, simply because you say it.
If you guys have any questions, comments, or concerns about how to never run out of things to talk about with a girl, feel free to let me know in the comments section down below—and, as always, I’ll see you next time.
Jon Anthony is a world renowned dating coach and the founder of Masculine Development, a website specifically dedicated to helping men improve their personal, dating, and financial lives. After years of training men how to attract women, build muscle, and make more money, Jon created the "7 Strategies" program to help kickstart your journey to success. Jon firmly believes that every man should have control over his own life, and he created Masculine Development to share his passion with men who want success in all areas.