how to talk to girls if you are shy

How to Talk to Girls When You Don’t Know What to Say (Reader Question)

What’s up, guys. Recently I got a question from our friend Jay asking for advice on how to talk to girls. Here’s an excerpt from the email that he sent me:

“My lack of confidence with women is in the ability to start and carry on a conversation beyond a few minutes.  Is there any material (websites, books, etc) or advice you can give on how to initiate and keep a conversation going?”

In other words, he doesn’t know how to talk to girls.

First off, this is an extremely common problem—you are not alone. Literally millions of men have trouble carrying on a conversation with a girl. “What do I say?” “Do I say this?” “How should I respond?” they ask.

Well, fortunately for you, I’ve got an answer. But first, I’d like to regale you with a quite relevant story about the origins of PUA.

 

Early Pickup Culture

how to talk to girls if you are shy

In the early 2000’s, there was a massive movement that was sweeping the globe…and yet only a handful of people knew about it. It spread through the deep, dark recesses of the internet; through archives, bulletin boards, and primitive forums. It was known as “PUA,” or pickup artistry.

Essentially, what had happened, was thousands of men who weren’t getting laid started to get together and brainstorm ideas on how to pickup chicks. Yes, as nerdy as this sounds, it actually happened. They scoured their experiences and sought to understand female psychology…and in a way, they succeeded.

Thousands of men across the globe argued over how to talk to girls. They discussed what to say, certain canned openers, specific questions to ask, and how to “neg” properly.

In other words, the fundamental philosophy of early PUA was that you had to learn things to say to women. You had to remember specific “pickup lines.”

And to be honest, it worked. Plenty of guys had massive success using shticks and routines; they had flow charts, specific laid out patterns to follow, and more.

In fact, some of the more famous PUA’s even had their own specific formulas. Mystery, for example, was one of the most infamous pickup artists of the time (if not EVER), and he coined his entire methodology “The Mystery Method.”

As a brief side note, he actually went on to have a TV show on VH1 which was kind of hilarious, but pretty cool at the same time. He’s the PUA who made “pea-cocking” famous, or the idea that you wear obnoxious, weird clothing to clubs in order to get girls’ attention.

Mystery is important, however, because he was basically the first pickup teacher from which dozens of other pickup artists branched off: Tyler Durden, David DeAngelo, Neil Strauss, Matador, Tynan, and more.

These guys all started off by learning from Mystery, and they followed his routine to a T. “You say X, then she says Y. You reply with Z, then you do A, B, and C. If she does X then you do X even more, etc, etc.” He had it all planned out.

But eventually, some of the PUA’s (most notably Tyler Durden, the founder of Real Social Dynamics) started to branch off. They started to develop their own revolutionary style of pickup that was completely the opposite of Mystery’s method.

They started to become naturals.

 

The Great Shift in PUA

how to talk to girls if you are shy

Around the time of 2006, there was a massive shift in the pickup world. More and more PUA’s started to notice certain guys getting laid who weren’t relying on any sort of techniques. They appeared to just be saying random shit, and the girls were eating it up.

“Why is this happening?” the early pickup artists thought. “How is it that this guy can barely even say three words and he has girls all over him?”

Eventually, they realized the answer. They realized the reality-shattering, paradigm-twisting revelation that went on to completely transform pickup as they knew it.

It’s not about what you say, it’s about where it comes from.

This seemingly simple truth went on to completely revolutionize the entire world of PUA as they knew it. Now, rather than focusing on canned routines and memorized lines, PUA’s started to learn the fundamentals of game that would allow them to make their own lines right on the spot.

This is what is known as being a natural. It’s when you’re just naturally good with women, because you internalize certain principles. These principles are the difference between a beta male and an alpha male. It isn’t what you say it’s how you say it.

Confusing? Let me explain. When you’re looking at pickup and trying to get good with girls, you have to look at the underlying principles that lead to success. 99% of guys, when trying to get good with girls, focus on the surface level stuff.

“What do I say? How do I act? How do I respond? Is that weird?” Guys get all up in their head and try to approach the conversation from a sort of overly-analytical perspective.

This is exactly what you’re trying to do, Jay! Rather than focusing on what to say, let’s go deeper to solve your problem.

Rather than giving you specific lines or techniques, I’m going to teach you the principles that will allow you to say whatever the fuck you want and have women eat it up.

 

The Underlying Principles

how to talk to girls if you are shy

Your main issue isn’t so much that you don’t know what to say, but rather that you’re uncomfortable around women.

When you’re comfortable around women, you naturally say whatever the fuck you want, and because they can sense that you’re comfortable, confident, and genuine, they become attracted to you.

This is the secret that drove the early PUA’s absolutely insane. They’d spent all this time trying to fake being cool and confident, when really, if you just learn to internalize the principles that make you cool and confident, all of the “right things” to say come naturally.

This is what you must do. Rather than agonizing over what to say, focus on developing the following characteristics:

  • Congruence (literally the most important characteristic for getting girls)
  • Non-Neediness
  • Self-Esteem

In reality there’s a ton of other characteristics that I could talk about, but let’s focus on these three big ones for now. If you simply focus on developing these characteristics, which the strategies in my eBook will help you do, you’ll find yourself naturally talking to women with ease.

 

Congruence

Congruence is simply when you learn to be yourself. Are you feeling a certain emotion? Then express it. Are you thinking something? Then say it. Congruence is simply being completely, utterly, unapologetically you. It means being aligned in your thoughts, words, and actions.

Now, that doesn’t mean that if you’re a weird, needy serial killer that you can act like that and you’ll get girls. But to be honest, you can get away with a LOT MORE than you think. Confusing? Let me give you an example to clarify.

A couple of weeks ago I was at a party with my buddy. We’d gone with several girls, and I was not having a good time to say the least. For whatever reason, I wasn’t having a good night, and I couldn’t stand the girls we went with.

So as I stood by myself, looking around with a general expression of irritation and discontent, this cute cocktail-dress-wearing Asian girl walked up to me, and said: “Do you want to get married?”

I told her “Fuck no, I’m never getting married.” She looked at me wide-eyed, and said: “Oh. Because I think I want to marry you.” She was clearly extremely attracted to me and wanted me to pull her…but why did this happen?

This happened, because I was being completely congruent. I was just unapologetically myself.

I was in a bad mood, so I expressed it. It showed in my body language, it showed in my facial expressions, and it showed in my general demeanor. I was completely at ease with myself and I was completely okay with the way that I felt. I wasn’t resisting it or trying to suppress it, I was just expressing it.

This is why she was attracted to me. Congruence is a major indicator of high status. Does an Alpha Male watch how he acts, what he says, and what he feels? Fuck no, he just does what he wants to do. But a beta male? You’d better believe he’s filtering everything he says and does, because he doesn’t want to piss off the guys higher up on the totem pole.

When you’re congruent, talking to girls comes naturally. You need to get in touch with your emotions and let them guide you.

“But Jon! What if I’m a depressed loner? Can I just act like that and get girls?” I can hear someone ask. Surprisingly, if you’re 100% congruent, you can.

Way back in the day there was a PUA coach who used to do what he called “broken man game.” Ryan, the PUA coach I’m referring to, had bi-polar disorder and consequently went through severe bouts of existential angst and depression.

But did he let that stop him from getting girls? Fuck no. He just made his own style of game by being completely congruent to what he was feeling in the moment. A typical “broken man game” conversation for him would go like this:

  • Ryan: [Walks up to a girl, sighs deeply] “Sometimes I just drink until I can’t feel the pain anymore…” [said with complete hopelessness]
  • Hot girl: “O-Oh my god, are you okay?”
  • Ryan: “I…I just don’t know anymore. I just hate myself so much…” [again, said with complete congruence and utter hopelessness]
  • Hot girl: “No!! Stop!” [puts her hands on his face] “Please don’t feel bad, let me buy you a drink!” [starts to frown out of empathy]
  • Ryan: “I just hate it here so much…let’s just get out of here.” [grabs her by the hand and walks out of the club]
  • Hot girl: “I-I can’t go home with you, though…” [she’s attracted due to his congruence, but gives him a shit test]
  • Ryan: [Stares at her deeply, his complete lack of a will to live penetrates her emotionally] “I just don’t want to be alone tonight…” [stares off into the distance as if looking into another lifetime]
  • Hot girl: “Oh my god – you’re going to be okay, alright? Let’s just get you back to your place and talk.”

Boom. That, my friends, is how Ryan used congruence to pull hot girls.

Did it work 100% of the time? Fuck no. It probably didn’t even work 10% of the time. But that’s the thing with congruence. Girls will decide VERY QUICKLY if they like you or not, because they can tell who you are. You’re not being fake. The girls that don’t like you, will really dislike you. But the girls that like you? They’ll fucking love you.

That’s the thing with congruence. There is very rarely an “in-between.” Because you’re so utterly yourself, girls will be polarized into “I like him” or “I don’t like him” very quickly…and that’s what you want.

The key is to simply be yourself (as cheesy as that sounds). Because Ryan was 100% himself and didn’t change himself for anyone, he regularly pulled girls (even if he was a dark, depressed loner).

 

Non-Neediness

Note how I said that he didn’t change himself for anyone. This is how congruence and non-neediness are related.

A lot of guys who are complete white knights, might say “but I’m being myself! And I’m not getting laid!” What I would say to them is that you’re not being yourself. You just think you are.

In reality, you’re changing your opinions and emotions because you want a girl to like you. This is the EPITOME of neediness. If you so desperately need a girls’ approval that you change every little thing about yourself to try to get it, you will not get any attraction from women.

One of the greatest books on non-neediness is called Models by Mark Manson. The whole premise behind the book is that you simply attract women by being yourself. Why does this work? Because ultimately it conveys that you’re comfortable with yourself. You’re saying to the world: “This is who I am, take it or leave it.”

You’re not saying something to seem cool, you’re not avoiding a topic because you’re afraid that you might offend other people, and you’re certainly not seeking their validation.

You’re just being yourself. When you learn to do this, conversation will happen naturally, and it will be incredibly smooth.

 

Self-Esteem

To be honest, congruence, non-neediness, and self-esteem are all very related. You can’t have one without the other two. But, for the sake of understanding, let’s dissect self-esteem a little bit more.

As I discussed before, there’s three general types of “confidence,” that people often times confuse. There’s confidence, which is how sure you are of yourself in a certain ability. For example, if you’re sure that you can drive a car, you’re confident that you can drive a car.

Then there’s core-confidence, which is your certainty regarding an ability to learn new skills. If you have core-confidence, you’re confident in your ability to accomplish new things and learn new abilities.

Self-Esteem, however, is whether or not you feel like you’re good enough. This is what you need to develop, Jay.

What’s going on is that you feel as if you’re not good enough in and of yourself to get girls. You feel like you have to learn certain things to say, because what you naturally want to talk about isn’t good enough. Or maybe you’re not even sure about what you want to say, because you’re so used to wondering what you SHOULD say.

Get this in your head: there is no “right” thing to say. I’ve opened girls by saying the stupidest shit in the world, but because I just say it with complete congruence, self-assuredness, and decisiveness, it works.

Hell, dude half of the time my opener is just “hey.” That’s it. No gimmicks, no flashy lines or techniques, just “hey.”

You must learn to develop self-esteem. Realize that you’re good enough and that you don’t need any lines to get girls. You just need to realize that you’re good enough as you are, and what you say has value simply because it comes from you.

 

The Principles in Action (Example)

how to talk to girls if you are shy

Just two nights ago I was at a party with my wingman. I hadn’t seen him in a while, so we were both pretty pumped to see each other. As I saw two hot girls talking to one another on the dance floor, I literally just walked over, completely interrupted them, and yelled:

“HEY! HEY! HEY!” I put my arm around one of them and yelled: “I literally just feel like a girl right now! Like I just want to DANCE! I JUST WANT TO DANCE!” I yelled.

“HAHAH OH MY GOD! AHHH” they screamed. “DANCE!” I yelled as I put my arms around them. They started cracking up and grinding on me and eventually my wingman took the other one so that I could get some 1-on-1 time with the one I wanted.

I grabbed her by the hand, yelled “this way!” and took her to a more isolated spot and started dancing with her. I spun her around and made out with her. I made some small talk:

  • “What’s your name?”
  • “How old are you?”
  • “You’re in college? What’s your major?”

Nothing special, just gathering a few details and getting to know her better. Then I yelled: “Let’s go get some fresh air! This way!” I grabbed her by the hand and led her outside.

We talked a little bit before I pulled her home, and to be honest I don’t quite remember what I said, but that’s the point. It didn’t really register to me, because it was all natural.

Now, ask yourself: did I memorize lines or simply follow the principles?

I followed the principles. I was fairly drunk and was feeling extremely happy. I was out at an awesome party, and I was with my wingman for the first time in a few months. How could I not be happy?

The blaring music was awesome, too—so when I saw those hot girls, what did I say? I said the truth. I felt happy and outgoing so I was happy and outgoing. I wasn’t afraid to interrupt their conversation, because I have high self-esteem and feel like I’m the shit. Almost like I’m doing THEM a favor by opening them.

I felt like dancing, because I was in such a good mood, so I made a joke about how I felt like a girl (because they always “just want to dance!”) and they ate it up. But remember, they ate it up because of the place it came from…NOT from the words.

They ate it up because I was CONGRUENT. My emotions, thoughts, words, and actions were all in line.

I wasn’t needy—I didn’t want their emotional validation. In fact, I just felt so happy that I wanted to share these emotions with other people (the exact opposite of neediness).

And I had high self-esteem. I felt like whatever I said was awesome just because it came from my mouth.

Someone could’ve said the exact same words, but if they tried to act happy when they were really upset or angry, it probably wouldn’t work.

Why? Because that isn’t being congruent. It’s needy; you’re not saying what you want to say, you’re just saying something to gain their approval.

Do you see why it’s not a good thing to rely on canned lines? Girls literally care 1000x more about the emotional place that your lines are coming from, than the actual lines themselves.

 

Your Very Own Plan

how to talk to girls if you are shy

I realize that all of this may sound great, but you’re wondering how the fuck to actually develop these things. So, with this in mind, I’m going to give you an actionable plan to follow.

  1. Learn a few basic openers to rely on AT FIRST.
  2. Go out and employ these techniques
  3. Follow eBook strategies #2, 4, 5, and 6.
  4. Cultivate congruence, non-neediness, and self-esteem.

 

A Few Basic Techniques

I realize that if you have zero experience cold approaching women and holding conversations with pretty girls, it can be quite daunting. So I’m going to give you a few pointers.

But, before I give you these pointers…remember that they’re a TEMPORARY CRUTCH. They’re NOT mean for you to permanently rely on. They’re meant to give you some initial momentum so that you can eventually become naturally good with women.

That being said, here’s a few types of openers:

  • An opinion opener: where you ask for her opinion on something
    • Pros: Easy to remember, gets her talking
    • Cons: Not very direct
    • Examples
      • “Hey! I need to ask you a question! If a guy has pictures of his ex-girlfriend is that cheating?”
      • “It’s my friend’s birthday and I don’t know what to buy her. Any thoughts?”
  • A direct opener
    • Pros: Very sexual
    • Cons: Frequent rejections
    •  Examples
      • “Hey, I just had to say hi because I thought you were really sexy. What’s your name?”
      • “You have absolutely gorgeous eyes. I’m very attracted to you, who are you?”
  • Congruence opener
    • Pros: Gets you on the right path, very congruent
    • Cons: Can be difficult at first, frequent rejections
    • Basically just say whatever you’re feeling. For example:
      • “I’m feeling sad, can I have a hug?”
      • “Hey, I’m kind of nervous because you’re absolutely gorgeous, but what’s your name?”
      • “I really don’t feel like talking right now…but I kind of want to know your name.”
    • The key is to be congruent. Those are just examples of things to say…IF you’re actually feeling that way.

I would recommend starting out with the opinion openers, then once you’re comfortable move onto direct openers. Eventually, use congruence openers.

This will start to transition you towards being a natural, where it doesn’t really matter what you say, as long as you genuinely mean it and want to say it.

 

Go Out and Employ This Advice

You are not going to get any better at talking to girls unless you talk to girls. I realize that this sounds incredibly intuitive, but IT’S NOT. Most guys have this belief that if they just read enough articles, they’ll somehow magically solve their problems with women.

Bull. Fucking. Shit.

The only way you’re going to get better at talking to girls is by TALKING TO GIRLS. And you’re going to fail, trust me. You’re going to get rejected…and this is okay. It’s part of the process. The point is that you’re going out and trying.

And eventually….not overnight, but eventually, you’ll get really good at talking with women, and maybe you’ll even land yourself a girlfriend that you really love.

I recommend reading and fully internalizing these articles before you go out:

If you can’t follow the roadmap to killer game due to work or school, then simply do what you can. The point is that you have to go out very frequently and talk to girls if you want to learn how to talk to girls.

 

Use Strategies #2, 4, 5, and 6

If you’re really serious about this, then I recommend purchasing my eBook and doing the strategies that I recommend.

The reason for this is that they’re meant to develop the characteristics that women find attractive, so that you can just say whatever you want and not agonize over what to say.

Strategy 2 will help you develop confidence, assertiveness, and decisiveness. Strategy 4 will give you motivation to go out and game girls, as well as enhance your social skills.

Strategy 5 is only for the bold, but it’s life-changing if you decide to go through with it. Strategy 6 will give you a platform to analyze yourself and determine how your childhood may have led to a lack of masculinity (which is what’s making you so nervous around women).

There’s a reason why the eBook is only 40 pages. It’s because I realize the importance of TAKING ACTION. Out of all the guys who’ve bought my eBook probably only 10% have actually done every single strategy. If you actually do the strategies this will fix most of your problems with women (as well as with life).

Obviously you don’t have to purchase my eBook if you want to get good with women, because there’s so much free content on this blog, but it would definitely help. Do whatever you want to do.

 

Cultivate Congruence, Non-Neediness, and Self-Esteem

All throughout this process, as you’re going out AT LEAST 2 days a week and learning game, you should be analyzing your progress from this perspective: “Am I being congruent, non-needy, and self-assured?”

95% of the time when you get blown out or rejected, you’re not following these principles. Every night when you get home, reflect on what happened. Did any girls viciously reject you? If so, why? Were you needy? Not congruent? Or maybe they were just in a really bad mood (it isn’t always something you did).

Either way, you must constantly check your emotions and your behavior to see if you’re following these principles.

If you go out, and feel nervous around women, ask yourself: what’s going on? A lack of self-esteem.

If a girl blows you off, because you’re constantly agreeing with her just to gain her approval, what’s the cause? Being needy.

If you’re attracted to a girl, but you’re afraid of being sexual around her, so she gets weirded out and leaves, what’s going on? You’re not being congruent.

I recommend that you learn how to meditate in order to cultivate these characteristics as well. Meditation will help you become aware of your inner-workings. It will help you become aware of your repressed emotions and underlying beliefs by taking time out to become still and get in touch with yourself.

 

Conclusion

how to talk to girls if you are shy

In summary, a lot of guys think their problem is that they don’t know what to say to girls, when in reality this is an effect, not a cause. The cause, or the root problem, is that you aren’t comfortable around women. You lack congruence, non-neediness, self-esteem, and confidence with game.

Thus, if you’re trying to learn to talk to women, you have to actually fix the root problems…NOT focus on the surface level effects.

I realize that this may all be overwhelming, and seem completely foreign to you, but trust me. This is what you must do. Follow the plan that I laid out for you, and with time, you’ll be confident and comfortable around the most beautiful of women.

If you have any questions, comments, or concerns, leave me a comment below or shoot me an email—and, as always, I’ll see you next time.

About the Author Jon Anthony

After learning to successfully trade the market, build a six pack, start a social circle from scratch, and increase his IQ by 15 points, Jon Anthony has decided to teach others how they can, too. He plans to move to Las Vegas next year to invest in real estate and live it up.

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  • Johnny

    Great artilcle Jon. Congruence is the most important factor in not only success with women, but everything in a mans life. However, that’s easier said than done when you feel like a weak sack of shit. I think a major key here is testosterone. 2 weeks of working out everyday, supplementing and no-fap does wonders for me. I’ll walk around like I’m conor mcgregor at a press conference. But at my lowest it’s hard to even make eye contact.

    • Jon Anthony

      I agree 100%.

  • Jay

    Hey Jon,

    Seriously, thanks so much for responding to my email, and being very direct about it. I just need to man up because I literally have everything else… Looks, health, fitness, sick condo, car, salary… just lacking assertiveness, confidence and the self-esteem. Guess I just need to get out an practice and stop being afraid of rejection (aka a pussy lol).

    It’s not that I have a problem getting girls, I’m just not getting the HB7-HB10s that I believe I should be getting.

    However, I think you nailed it on Strategy 6. I grew up with a risk adverse/ conservative father who didn’t teach me how to be a man. We are Indian and in our culture marriage is arranged for you. So you could be the biggest sack of shit and you’ll still end up getting married at some point. He had no game, he hasn’t taught me much in life.

    In fact, this past weekend was the perfect example… at a wedding my dad literally refused to dance meanwhile all his brothers and cousins were out there having fun. He was just standing there watching everyone… my uncle finally yelled at me and said Jay get out there and dance with those beautiful women.

    I will get over this…. thanks for you help and advice.

  • Sean

    Jon I love your site. I only found it yesterday but your articles have really hit home with me. I’ve been working on myself for about 6 years since a failed engagement.

    I am almost there. Health and Fitness, check. The gym 4 times a week. Meditation, check. Congruence, I am always myself and I am very open, check. I like to make people laugh without being a clown and I can get away with cheeky banter with women. Self-esteem and confidence are not bad but could do with improvement. I am constantly working on that. I also read lots of books and constantly educate myself.

    My BIGGEST down fall is that I over think. If it does not work with a woman, that I like, my mind just becomes clogged with ‘What Ifs’ and it becomes like a stuck loop in my head. A true Alpha would just walk away from the woman knowing that no good can come of it, instead of dwelling on it. This is something I have to work very hard at as it really unbalances me. Meditation helps a lot.

    A question about the article. What if the woman is just quiet and difficult to get a full sentence or laugh out of? For example recently I met a Hungarian woman. Hot as hell. She can speak English but it can be quite broken and I think this is part of the issue. I’ve learnt a couple of Hungarian sentences which hopefully should help when I next meet her. Do you have any advice on this?

    Sean

    • Jon Anthony

      Sean, first off great to hear you’re working on yourself. I suffer from those weird “thought loops,” too, and one of my mentors told me something that I think you will find extremely valuable:

      “You can’t break thought with more thought. You can only break thought with action.”

      In other words, don’t think about how to stop thinking. Just do something. Go run, do some push ups, do work, read a book, do SOMETHING!

      As for your Hungarian woman, it depends. Sometimes hot girls test you like this and act all blase, but just don’t let her affect you. Keep the positivity going, keep it light, keep it fun. Some Eastern European girls you also have to be really aggressive with, that’s just how it is in their country.

      I think it was Roosh who coined the term “Bernie Game,” from Weekend at Bernie’s? It’s where she’s just quiet as hell, doesn’t say anything, but wants to fuck. SO you have to grab her by the hand, pull her around, initiate contact, etc, etc. Carry like 90% of the interaction.

      Hope this helps!

  • John

    I think you’re getting ahead of yourself here. Instead of “how to talk to a woman”, we need an article on “why talk to a woman”. Especially one who thinks she’s “hot”. Women have nothing positive to add to a man’s life. They are predatory and dangerous, and their goal is to ruin your life and get you to pay her way. It’s best to ignore and avoid them.

    • Jon Anthony

      Sounds like you’ve had some really bad experiences with women, brother. I promise they’re not all like that. Trust me – my notch count is in the triple digits. I’m well aware that a lot of women are extremely manipulative, but some are really sweet and giving, too. You just have to be the type of man who’s worthy of them.