How to Actually be an Alpha Male (Mindsets vs. Behaviors)
“Am I an Alpha Male or a Beta Male?”
Plenty of men, after being exposed to the manosphere, ask themselves this question…but it isn’t entirely accurate.
There’s a billion articles talking about “Top 10 Alpha Male Behaviors,” or “Signs You’re a Beta Male,” and I’m here to tell you it’s all bullshit.
Yeah – it’s all bullshit.
Whether you’re an Alpha male or a Beta male is not determined by your behavior, but rather by the mindset from which your behavior arises.
Mindsets vs. Behaviors
When a lot of guys first get started in the field of self-development, they go through this sort of “fake phase.”
What I mean by this, is that they’ve read about alpha males and beta males, and they’ve realized that they act like a beta male.
So to become more “alpha,” they change their behaviors.
They spend all of this time fretting over questions like:
- “Uhh, should I do this for a girl? Is it too beta?”
- “Uhh what should I wear? What does an alpha male wear?’
- “How long should I wait to call her back?”
- “When does an alpha male break eye contact?”
But what they don’t realize is that you can change every single one of your behaviors…and it still won’t change whether you’re an alpha or beta male.
Whether you’re an alpha male or beta male is determined by your mindset.
So instead of trying to change every single one of your fucking little behaviors, just change your underlying mindset so that the behaviors will change themselves naturally.
An Example to Clarify: A Woman’s Perspective
If you’re reading my blog, then you should be out building your social circle on the regular.
If you’ve been doing this, there’s something that I know you’ve seen for certain.
Ugly, fat girls who try to hide their unattractiveness with flashy jewelry, loads of makeup, and silk dresses.
Not to be a dick, but I’m just telling it how it is. Do you find those girls attractive?
Of course not. You can see through their fake exterior.
You can tell they’re just covering up their underlying unattractiveness with a bunch of external bullshit.
Oh, wait…
Yeah, that’s right. That’s exactly what girls think when they see a beta male who tries to “act alpha.”
You guys have a bunch of articles and bullshit misleading you, telling you that you can “Become an Alpha Male by Following These 4 Behaviors!” – and it pisses me off.
Don’t get misled by bullshit marketing and hype – if you want to become an alpha male, you have to do more than just cover up beta male behaviors.
You have to shift your mindset.
How Mindset Influences Behavior
Like I said before – if you just change your mindset, then everything will fall into place.
I love to use examples, so let me use one again to help shed light onto this concept.
Patrick Decides to Change His Behavior
Say that Patrick is a 24 year old guy who is a total beta male.
He probably has a number of underlying beliefs, but let’s take a look at one in particular.
“I need other peoples’ approval.”
This is one of the most fundamental beliefs of a “beta male” – because his parents probably didn’t give him enough attention, he seeks to get it from others in a futile attempt to nourish his wounded inner child.
Now – say that he reads a bunch of articles about “alpha male behavior” and decides to implement it into his life.
He ends up meeting up with a girl, and the whole time he’s in his head.
The whole time, he’s thinking “UHH okay, how would an alpha male act?!” – and he ends up seeming wildly incongruent and fake.
Maybe he doesn’t hold the door, doesn’t break eye contact, and exhibits certain behaviors typically associated with alpha males.
But then, when he’s talking with the girl, he always seems to be seeking her approval.
His behaviors say “I’m an alpha male,” but his emotions betray him.
They sneak their way into his tone of voice, his body language, his facial expressions, and his behavior – and they communicate one thing, loud and clear.
This man is fake. He’s the fat girl trying to hide her chub by putting on a loose fitting dress.
It’s not attractive, and it’s pointless. The girl is not going to be attracted to him.
Not to mention, other guys who are actually alpha males can see through this facade so, SO easily.
Your underlying beliefs manifest themselves through little sub-communications, so trying to change your behavior is literally pointless.
Patrick would probably get a little pat on the back by this girl and then never see her again.
Patrick would then, probably do one of two things: either try to change his behavior even more, or get mad at women and blame them for his own problems.
If he tries to change his behavior even more, he may actually get really good at it. He may become very proficient at fooling people – but it won’t last long. The cracks in his behavior will begin to show up in 25 minutes rather than 5.
It’s just a fucking wild goose chase. He’ll spin his wheels trying to “act more alpha,” and all the while he’s just delaying the inevitable rejection.
Or, he’ll take the other route, and just get mad at women. If he doesn’t at first, he will after months of trying to change his behavior to no avail.
“Women are all selfish, narcissistic whores!”
You see this belief a lot on the manosphere. SO MANY guys get mad at girls for not accepting them, and they blame women for their problems.
What’s so funny is that they don’t realize that it’s actually their fault, and they’re actually rejecting themselves by desperately seeking validation from women.
Again, this is because they’re very misguided – this comes from a very negative underlying belief.
“I need women to accept me – and if they don’t, I FEEL REJECTED AND WILL GET FUCKING ANGRY >:(!”
Don’t be like this guy – instead, choose to change your beliefs.
Patrick Decides to Change His Beliefs!
Say that instead of reading “Top 10 Alpha Male Behaviors,” Patrick stumbles upon my blog.
So, instead of trying to change his behaviors, he focuses on changing his beliefs.
Now this doesn’t mean you can’t do both – in fact, I recommend doing both at first.
But the focus should be on changing your beliefs.
So maybe instead of spending hours and hours trying to change all of his needy little behavior, Patrick decides to change his beliefs.
Patrick starts cultivating a very deep love of himself.
Patrick starts to meditate every day, to get rid of negative repressed emotions.
Patrick begins to read books, and starts working out.
At first it’ll be because he wants to “be accepted,” but soon enough he’ll come to enjoy improving himself as a man.
Slowly, but surely, he will integrate positive beliefs into his life – he’ll begin to develop core confidence and self-love.
So the next time he’s with a girl, what do you think is going to happen?
Is he going to be all in his head, thinking “UH OH should I do this? OR MAYBE THAT? Is that too beta?”
No, he’s just going to do what the fuck he wants.
If a girl is rude to him he’s not going to chase her, seeking validation, he’s just going to ignore her. Not because he’s bitter, but because he just doesn’t want her in his life.
If he really likes a girl and wants to treat her to dinner, he’ll treat her to dinner. Not because he wants her to approve of him, but because he actually just wants to do something nice for her.
In short, he’ll do what he wants to do, rather than doing what he thinks will get him validation and acceptance.
The Exact Same Behavior Can Be Either Alpha or Beta
Depending on the mindset, any behavior can be either alpha or beta.
Patrick The Beta Male
For example, say that Patrick has been working out with a girl, and she comes back to his place afterwards.
Patrick has been desperately trying to have sex with this girl for months, and she continues to reject his advances.
But this time around, she says she’s “sore,” and needs a massage.
“O-Oh my g-god, now’s my chance!” thinks Patrick.
Foolish Patrick. If she’s rejected you many times before, what makes you think this time will be any different?
But, Patrick is desperate to get laid – so despite this girl’s repeated rejections of him and playing games, he gives her a massage.
In fact, he gives her a 30 minute massage…the works.
He whips out the cacao butter, and gently massages this girl – the whole time he’s eagerly awaiting his prize at the end.
And then, when he goes in to kiss her, she pushes him away and laughs “Haha, no thanks…soooorry”
Then Patrick massages her for another 15 minutes, hoping she’ll accept his advances again, but then she gets up, thanks him for the massage, and says that they should work out again, before leaving Patrick’s balls in the bluest of states.
“What the fuck,” thinks Patrick. “I did all of that and she didn’t even fuck me.”
And I guarantee you, Patrick is going to continue working out with this girl, because she sends him the occasional “winky face” emoticon and he thinks he’s going to get lucky this time.
This behavior is clearly beta male behavior.
Patrick the Alpha Male
Now, a different example.
Say that Patrick has been reading my blog for a while and he’s starting to become an alpha male.
Patrick met the exact same girl in the last example, but as soon as he realized that she was playing games he stopped inviting her to do stuff.
Patrick wasn’t needy and desperate for female attention, so he stopped hitting her up because she was clearly just using him.
Consequently – she became very attracted to him, because she saw that he had firm boundaries and was an alpha male.
So she starts fucking him, and they grow closer and closer. Sometimes she comes over to Patrick’s house and just hangs out, cooks them dinner, and sucks his dick.
“Wow,” thinks Patrick. “This girl is pretty cool – she’s super nice to me, I kind of want to return the favor.”
So he texts her, saying that he has a surprise for her. She asks what it is, and he says she’ll have to come over and find out.
He gives her a nice massage, and then they fuck afterwards.
“Patrick gave her a massage in both examples…what’s the difference?”
The difference is the mindset that it’s coming from.
In the first example, Patrick was coming from a very desperate, needy mindset.
Even though that girl was treating him like shit and stringing him along, he put in tons and tons of effort to please her, hoping that she’d sleep with him.
This is clearly “beta male” behavior.
In this first example, Patrick is coming from a complete lack of abundance. He has no girls in his life and has no purpose, so he’s incredibly desperate to have sex.
He’ll jump through whatever hoops it takes to get laid – he doesn’t care if it insults his dignity, he’s just so needy and craves validation. He’ll do whatever it takes to get it.
In the second example, however, he did literally the exact thing for her.
He gave her a massage.
So what’s the difference?
This time, Patrick’s underlying mindset was “This girl’s been doing some pretty cool stuff for me – I want to return the favor.”
He gave her a massage, because he wanted to, not because he was desperate to sleep with her.
Do you see how literally the exact same behavior can be either alpha or beta depending on the mindset that it arises out of?
When you act out of a desire to help, or to give, generally speaking, it’s going to be an alpha male behavior.
When you act out of a desire to take, generally speaking, it’s going to be a beta male behavior.
Alpha males act, because they want to. They have an abundance of good emotions and resources, so they aren’t afraid of giving it away to people that they like.
Beta males act, because they want validation. They are desperate for good emotions, approval, and sex, so all of their actions are calculated and designed to “take” from others.
They’re needy, because they’re always trying to get something from other people – whether it be validation or acceptance.
This is the difference – the alpha male acts because he wants to, the beta male acts because he is needy.
Alpha vs. Beta Beliefs
To help really flesh out this concept, I’m going to give you guys a list of beliefs that Alpha vs. Beta males typically have.
As you’re reading this, ask yourself: which beliefs do I have?
Beta Male Beliefs/Mindsets
- I’m not good enough.
- I need others to accept me.
- Should I act this way or that way?
- I need others to give me validation.
- My mood depends on other people.
- I act in a way that will get me acceptance.
- I don’t accept myself.
- I’m not okay with myself.
- I’m insecure.
Alpha Male Beliefs/Mindsets
- I’m good enough.
- I accept myself.
- I act how I want to act.
- I am strong enough to give others validation.
- I generate my own mood.
- I am genuine, and not afraid to be myself.
- I am okay with who I am.
- I’m very deeply secure with my flaws.
How to Change Your Beliefs
Okay – so you want to change your beliefs, but don’t know how to go about doing it.
Generally speaking, there’s a few ways to change your beliefs – and you’ve actually already done the hard part.
The hard part is becoming aware of these underlying beliefs. Most people never even become aware of them, and just drift through life unconsciously.
So, now that you’re aware of them, you can start changing them.
Here’s what I recommend doing:
1. Implement Good Habits into Your Life!
The very first thing that I recommend doing is to implement good habits into your life.
They won’t change you immediately, but they will change you over time.
The guy who improves himself by just 1% a day will be leaps and bounds ahead of the average person in just half a year.
If you started working out TODAY, how would you look in 6 months?
If you started meditating TODAY, how would you feel in 6 months?
For more on good habits, check out my article 4 Habits Every Man Should Have (ESSENTIAL For Success!)
2. Start Weakening The Old Beliefs
This is actually a very deep topic, and I’m going to write an article about this in depth in the future.
But basically, you can weaken a belief by searching for evidence that contradicts it and by shining light on it.
For example – if you have a very deep seated insecurity, ask yourself: where did this belief come from?
Trace it all the way back to its roots, which is likely your childhood.
Then ask yourself: “Is the person who taught me this belief worth modeling my life after?”
More often than not, the answer will be no.
It was probably a fucking loser who gave you this belief.
Maybe an alcoholic parent, a needy mother, or an abusive step-father.
Or maybe a certain bully or a teacher who made you feel stupid.
Either way – it was a fucking loser who gave you this belief.
What kind of an adult would put this belief into a kid’s head? Seriously – how fucking pathetic do you have to be to teach a child that they’re worthless, or stupid, or not good enough?
Pretty fucking pathetic.
That should start to weaken the belief. Once you realize that the person who gave it to you isn’t worth your time, you’ll start to realize that the belief isn’t grounded in reality.
There’s no reason to have it.
Beyond this, you can do even more. There’s actually specific exercises you can do to weaken a belief, but I’ll save that for another article.
3. Find Your Purpose
I discussed the importance of having a purpose in Defining Masculinity on a Spiritual Level.
If you haven’t discovered your purpose yet, finding it is a great way to become an alpha male.
Alpha males understand that their purpose in life transcends everything else. Their purpose is more important than anything else, even their lives.
This may sound melodramatic, but it’s true – when you completely embody a purpose, suddenly you’ll find that you don’t put up with bullshit.
Your purpose validates you – you don’t need other peoples’ validation. You feel complete, because you have a purpose – thus, you don’t seek completion from others.
What type of man spends hours trying to figure out how to “act like an alpha male”? Clearly, a man without a purpose.
A man with a purpose doesn’t give a fuck how people interpret his actions – not in a negative or mean way, but just because he’s okay with being himself.
And he’s okay with being himself, because he feels that his life has meaning – a purpose gives him determination, decisiveness; it gives him energy and vitality.
These things are all characteristic of alpha males and you’ll find that once you have a purpose your beliefs change.
For example – right now, I’m writing this article in a coffee shop. There’s a hot girl over in the corner who’s been staring at me and playing with her hair, and it’s pretty obvious that she wants me to go talk to her.
But fuck that, because I want to write this article for you guys. This is my purpose right now.
My purpose is to write this article – I’m INTENSELY focused on churning it out, and everything else in my life becomes stupid and trivial for now.
Do you see the fundamental belief here?
The fundamental belief that I have right now is that “my purpose is more important than women.” My purpose is more important than getting some girl’s number.
Who the fuck cares about getting some girl’s number when I’m embodying my purpose?
This is an example of how having a purpose will naturally set your beliefs straight.
When you have a purpose, women take a backseat in your life. You don’t seek validation from others. You’re determined, decisive, and you take fucking action to further your purpose.
So start finding your purpose.
Until Next Time,
-Jon
About the Author Jon Anthony
After learning to successfully trade the market, build a six pack, start a social circle from scratch, and increase his IQ by 15 points, Jon Anthony has decided to teach others how they can, too. He plans to move to Las Vegas next year to invest in real estate and live it up.
